This story is a parody.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Everything Must Go!
This story is a parody.
Name Hall Of Shame
The term "crappy, backstabbing magician" is to be removed from the 2009 edition of the Urban Dictionary when referring to Thomas Churchwell. The new official term will be "Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler."
This story is a parody.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
'Psycho Santa Hitler' Arrives in Blogland
A character named 'Psycho Santa Hitler' has reared his ugly head on the Thomas Churchwell hate site, and most likely will not be there for very long.
The 'Psycho Santa Hitler' imposter has penned numerous blog posts in the disturbing style of a nazi and harassed bloggers of much greater note.
This story is a parody.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Churchwell To Shower In Israel
Churchwell says he has dreamed of this moment and can't wait for the thrill of soaping up in Jerusalem, hopefully before the new year.
This story is a parody.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Thomas Churchwell Releases 'Christmas' CD
Ubiquitous hate blogger Thomas Churchwell, pictured at left, is set to release a Christmas CD recorded in bluegrass style.
Teaming with the late Homer 'Banjo' Pickens and recording most of the album in the blue hills of Kentucky, Churchwell is planning to perform some of the classics but will create a few new titles on his own.
Churchwell's spokeswoman Lotta Poope told reporters, "After a couple of months down there, Thomas mellowed right out. His creative juices really began to flow!"
This story is a parody.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
World's Oldest Hater Dies
Washington- The world's oldest hater, according to the Guinness Book of Accurate Records, has died at age 104.
Clem Sickel had only recently become the world's oldest hater, after the death of Adolpho Ricardo Del Toreador at age 106 last month.
Assuming the new title will be habitual liar and lifelong hater Thomas Churchwell, 96, of Queens, New York.
Mr. Sickel defied the traditional picture of old age and looked even older (photo at left). In an interview given shortly before his death, he was asked how he retained his decrepit appearance.
"First and most important, NEVER do any exercise!" he screamed. "When you are born, you are given a set number of heartbeats. After they run out, you die. When you exercise, your heart beats faster and you use up all the beats.”
Also, he continued," I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. The tar that coats my lungs prevents the oxygen I breathe from rusting out my pipes.”
“Third, NEVER go outside. NEVER!"
“And, finally," he said, "hating the WORLD keeps my brain cells firing like rockets!”
This story is a parody.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Up Yours New Game: Cyber Stalker
In the game, players first select a target from a list of the "Most Stalkable Women" provided by the editors of Rosy Palm Magazine. Alternately, players can choose to create their own target with special victimizer software, where players pick the right hair, body shape, and other features to create their ideal victim.
The player then embarks on many missions of increasing difficulty, from simple trolling missions to intimidation and threats.
This story is a parody.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Churchwell Disappointed At Being Passed Over For Movie Role
Father O'Reilly sent the fallen blogger a letter of apology, stating that he had been a reader of the Breaking News blog since it was first published. "Turning it into a G-rated movie has been difficult." He assured Churchwell, long rumored to be on the wait list for an exorcism, that he had nothing to do with choosing the parts, or he definitely would have been considered to play himself.
This story is a parody.
Friday, December 12, 2008
"Big Hater" Crown Stolen
This story is a parody.
Churchwell Sought By Goolag Police
This story is a parody.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Thomas Churchwell Shows Up At Google Totally Naked
"Who? Me or him?"
"Well, both I guess!"
The angry Churchwell jiggled the few yards and slammed the door behind him. The shocked, young executive stood and was so flustered, he offered his computer's mouse in lieu of a handshake.
Lowman said, "By the way, big ass!"
This story is a parody.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Suspect Says He Was Under Orders from 'The Special One'
It emerged that the suspect, whose screen name is 'boofromboise', received more than a thousand emails from 'The Special One' last summer, insisting that he destroy the Breaking News parody blog. When the suspect politely asked him to stop writing him, he was taken via a web cam to a dim, underground site, then left alone with 'The Special One' who sat on a yellow throne.
"I never saw his face. All I could see were crusty tattooed fingers on the arm of the throne. He said "Hiya, dummy, I've been expecting you."
'The Special One' then proceeded to outline his plan for killing the Breaking News parody blog, which included "anonymous threats and lying his head off to Goolag dot com and to Booger dot com." He implied that if the suspect didn't follow his orders, there would be hell to pay.
"He said I'd be sorry. What did he mean, you ask? I don't know! I assumed he would do to me whatever he was doing to the author of that blog. Anyway, I didn't get the job done and now I'm in deep trouble." Unaware that the Breaking News blog was slain last November, his teeth began to chatter. "This 'Special One' said laws were for suckers. He whined a lot, and he had an immense hatred of ladies! He mentioned something about world blog domination - I can't remember all of what he said...I was paralyzed with fear."
Police say the suspect refused to reveal more and begged to be locked in a prison for his own safety.
When asked by reporters if he had invented the 'Special One' story, he shook his head and said earnestly: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn't exist."
This story is a parody.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Blogosphere Reeling Over Report
This story is a parody. Snuffy Kilborn is completely fictitious.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Blogger Named Magazine's 'Hunter Of The Year'
This story is a parody.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Angelina Jolie Adopts Thomas Churchwell
This story is a parody.
Blogosphere Attacked By Thousands of Satirists
Cyber haters are angry. One hater, pausing for a moment after he accidentally deleted his own blog, said, "Satire is an abomination!"
This story is a parody.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Innocent Parody Blog Viciously Attacked
The Breaking News blog, a law-abiding parody and satire blog, was spotted curled up and gasping for air in a park.
"I saw this object in the corner of the park," said the park supervisor, "and it was gasping. I could hear sobs. I couldn't see anything and was about to walk away when, out the corner of my eye, I noticed a little computer screen. It had eyes and a mouth and all, and it was crying."
The harrowing ordeal is thought to have occurred two weeks ago. A forensic expert on the scene told the Online Report, "The blog had all the characteristics of having been viciously libeled and beaten up. Early indications show that it was the work of a cyber bully."
Sources say that the prime suspect in the attack is blogger Thomas Churchwell, who publicly expressed a keen liking for the Breaking News blog, but who has written much hate about it.
The blog was ashen, but was brave enough to give us a comment.
"All I want to do is to help make blogging a safe experience for women," said the blog. "The general climate on the Web is awful to women. There's too much bullying and libel and hate sanctioned by blogging hosts like Google who look the other way. It's little wonder there are monsters who would do this."
The blog, only 8 months old, has a very good point.
This story is a parody.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Cat Alleged To Be Channeling Thomas Churchwell
Brememhoff, Germany- A cat is believed to be channeling the mind of notorious cyber bully Thomas Churchwell. Suspicions began when the cat randomly attacked bloggers in an Internet cafe.
He brought in OJ Simpson.
Simpson found out that the cat was channeling the mind of none other than Thomas Churchwell.
"Finding it out was amazing" Simpson recalled. "Mind blowing!"
This story is a parody.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Cyber Bully Thomas Churchwell Puts His Prized Keyboard Up For Auction
This story is a parody.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Churchwell Denies Affair With Ghost
This story is a parody filed under the truth is stranger than fiction department.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Thomas Churchwell Moving To Africa
"I've been packing all day," Churchwell told The Online Report.
This story is a parody.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thomas Churchwell To Paint The White House
Hallelujah!
This story is a parody.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Comedian To Write "Commencement Day" Address
Sources say that Leno and his team of writers accepted the challenge and are now noses to the grindstone perfecting Thomas Tarquin Churchwell's Blog Commencement Day Address, to be delivered by Leno himself on the Breaking News parody blog.
Initial drafts written by Churchwell included promises to stop blogging IMMEDIATELY while simultaneously vowing to blog FOREVER.
"I got confused. I just could NOT get the whole commencement thing to gel," Churchwell told reporters. "After the 28th draft, I gave up! That's when I remembered Jay Leno's team used to write goodbye speeches, so I had my new custodian give Jay a ring."
Leno, speaking with reporters, said, "This one's going to be a total riot, folks. I suggest you don't miss TIVO'ing it."
Bloggers are expressing JOY, but Churchwell says he's open to taking a few jabs, as long as Mr. Leno tries to convince everyone that Churchwell is a misunderstood artist never meaning any harm.
All of Blogland is invited to attend.
Mr. Churchwell does not know Jay Leno.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Thomas Tarquin Churchwell Disappears
The ubiquitous hate blogger vanished in Queens during a Spam dinner party two nights ago and has not been seen since. Forensic magicians and the cast of CSI Rockaway Beach believe Churchwell de-materialized in Queens and re-materialized in a padded cell at Bellevue Hospital, outside the jurisdiction of the law.
Sources say Churchwell has been angry since being ordered to vacate his government-subsidized apartment in May. An Order To Vacate was handed down by the Queens County Housing Court, but has not been enforced.
A wannabe magic headliner, Churchwell has been seeking out attractive young women with blogs, inviting them to be his friend, and repaying them with libel. This nasty little trick requires no magic, just hate and a full-blown psychosis.
During his tricky career, Thomas Churchwell made many things, such as the wallets of unsuspecting patrons in bars, disappear before their very eyes. And now, with his sanity and freedom in jeopardy, he has performed the ultimate disappearing magic trick. He made himself disappear.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Thomas Churchwell, 75, To Wed 21-year-old Ex-Stripper
In another example of old man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Thomas "Boom Boom" Churchwell, of Queens, New York is set to wed 21-year-old Britney Implantz, of Queens, next month. It's a stunning reversal for Churchwell, who has been holed up in the one-room apartment he refused to vacate after being served with eviction papers last May.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Thomas Churchwell Hires New Publicist
High powered Queens, New York publicist, Lotta Poope, announced today that she is the new spokesperson for Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, and Thomas "Boom Boom" Crimewell.
This story is parody.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Churchwell Released From Prison
May 18, 2018. A New York judge has ordered the release of Thomas Tarquin Churchwell from prison. Churchwell, pictured at left, was serving a life sentence after he was convicted of 686,000 counts of libel against men, women and children almost 10 years ago.
The ruling has sparked outrage from bloggers. The surviving family members of those libeled by Churchwell were disgusted upon hearing the news.
His Honor Judge Apaul Cruckshank fought off criticism and defended his decision. "If you don't like what I said, then you can just write letters to Google."
And thousands will be writing if Churchwell goes on another spree. The Judge, however, did reveal a condition of Churchwell's release to serve as a checks-and-balances approach to curb his criminal tendencies.
Churchwell is to be chained to mobster Tony Soprano, who himself was given the gift of unsupervised visits away from a prison that he has called home for the past decade. In 2007 Soprano was convicted of racketeering. A fan-based jury found him not guilty of orchestrating dozens of heinous murders.
"The two will keep a good eye on each other," said Judge Cruckshank. "They promise to be good."
So, at 5AM this morning the two court-ordered conjoined twins were dropped off at an undisclosed location near Queens with some basic supplies as directed by the Judge.
Churchwell was given a cordless PC mouse for self-protection. Soprano was given a gun and a large bag of cement.
Judge Cruckshank released himself to his chambers where he poured a stiff drink and turned on the evening news.
This story is obviously a parody.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Threats Against Female Blogger Spark Debate About Misogyny Online
"Churchwell has attacked me for more than a year. He often says on his blog that it's the other way around, but this is a lie. He recently threatened to come to my town and stop me," Scarlett said.
Her blog is hardly controversial – she has spent much of the past year defending her reputation against Mr. Churchwell's libel. She knows that he has attacked other women online.
"It's this culture of attacking women that has got to stop. I really don’t care if you come after me. I take those attacks in stride," says a long time male blogger. "But, whenever I post a video of a female there invariably are snide remarks about body parts and other things that wouldn’t happen if the interviewee were a man. It makes me realize just how acerbic the Internet is toward women."
Blogger Nan Delano agrees. "These are all vicious attacks on her - as a woman. Yes, anyone who has a point of view and expresses it in print will get disagreements. I've had them here. But death and sexual threats? These are beyond the pale. Writing that she is a thief and pornographer is appalling. "
Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh concurs that misogyny grows wild on the Web, particularly among society's misfits. "Attitudes toward women have improved dramatically just in my lifetime, but the world still has too many misogynists, and the Web has given them a microphone that lets them turn up the volume on their quavering selves, their self-righteous fury, their self-loathing expressed as hatred of women," she said.
In a response to Scarlett's comments, Mr. Churchwell says, "I hate her," adding, "No one believes me, when I write that she's a child porno writer" on his blogs. "It's just an outlet for my hate and it gives me something to do. I'm sure I'll be explaining for years to come why I am obsessed with stealing and child pornography!"
The debate over Churchwell's online misogyny toward Scarlett have made her one of the most championed bloggers. Many of her fellow bloggers have come to her defense, questioning the limits of free speech in the blogosphere. "What Scarlett is putting up with is unacceptable, and I'm frankly sickened at what she has had to go through. It is totally unacceptable to attack a woman sexually and to make threats. Period," David Giffen blogs.
Many say the incidents raise questions about what should be tolerated online. "It certainly raises questions about sexual equality on the web - as Scarlett correctly points out if she were a man, the threats would not have been sexual in nature. But it is wrong that society's losers can do this to someone," says another blogger.
Some are calling for a bloggers bill of rights to encourage good conduct. But whether even that would work remains to be seen. "People like Thomas Churchwell feel the law doesn't apply to them," says Mr. Giffen.
Many bloggers hope that Mr. Churchwell's impending eviction from the quasi-mental facility where he has lived for a number of years, will signal the end of his attacks on women online.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Churchwell Posts Laced With Poison
Child pornography obsessor, Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, has posted sexual slurs against another blogger, The Online Report learned today.
A source, who asked not to be identified, said Churchwell has mental problems. "He wants to drag other bloggers into his sick games."
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The Name Game
World famous hate blogger, Tarquin Thomas Churchwell, also known to his legion of cyber victims as Thomas Churchwell, The Amazing Tarquin, Photoartist 6, Tommy Boy, etc, announced today that he is dropping all of his 48 screen names.
"He wants to ditch 'em and start fresh," said a source in the Churchwell camp, who wore a stocking over his face for this interview.
The teaser announcement came as reports surfaced of Churchwell publishing dozens of libel rants in which he accused a blogger of writing pornography. Noting that his recent writings have contained more vitriol than usual, sources speculate Churchwell wanted to go out with a bang before shedding his tarnished names.
This story is a parody. Mr. Churchwell has only 42 names.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Tarquin Churchwell to Release The Sexergate Papers
Deepest Throat confirmed that Churchwell is set to release the Sexergate Papers. "Tarquin is pounding on his computer day and night," he told The Online Report.
Sources close to the investigation say the first of the Sexergate transcripts will be published online this week.
Reaction in Blog Land has been wildly mixed, ranging from cheers of excitement to moaning and yawns.