tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55456279813185969262024-03-18T21:23:43.241-07:00The Online ReportUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-49730882940613847732009-03-19T22:10:00.002-07:002012-06-18T21:42:07.123-07:00Thomas Churchwell Rushed To Hospital<div align="justify"><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sammy Eagle</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1FU0wEb7qTJiS1mUfOIQ6YqwgoMf4uPWXWU2jr0UgmE2OV3q5GgqomeHbgryxRtz7DANvM_fzpApETf_VbLN60hCTq2lFhYtC13gbuyxo_iR2I7ZvzYswn22X_oxiTZIh5J81gfml4gzt/s1600-h/hate+finger+syndrome+r.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 212px; height: 192px; float: left; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5315142205445614354" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1FU0wEb7qTJiS1mUfOIQ6YqwgoMf4uPWXWU2jr0UgmE2OV3q5GgqomeHbgryxRtz7DANvM_fzpApETf_VbLN60hCTq2lFhYtC13gbuyxo_iR2I7ZvzYswn22X_oxiTZIh5J81gfml4gzt/s400/hate+finger+syndrome+r.bmp" /></a>Thomas Churchwell is in the news again, for crying out loud. Sources confirm the long time hate blogger was rushed to the hospital today.<br /><br />Churchwell, who has been embroiled in controversy over online threats he made to murder Scarlett, a prominent blogger, was operated on to pry his fingers from his computer.<br /><br /></div><div align="justify">"It was a close call. Thomas was suffering from hate finger syndrome. We were able to operate on him, and probably saved the blogosphere," said ear, nose and finger surgeon, Ken Banish. "He might recover if he wears mittens from now on."<br /><br />Cyber security expert John Truman said, "This has become a real problem for the blogosphere. In such an anonymous climate, where a blogger like Thomas Churchwell doesn't stick to the rules of common decency, he can get into real trouble. His death threats put him way out in front of other haters and that led to an acute attack of the syndrome."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Mr. Churchwell is resting comfortably in prison. Dr. Banish noted that gangrene of the fingers is always a possibility in cases like these. He added the prisoner's jaw has been wired shut, until he regains his self control. </div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-11207247955487292992009-01-28T16:50:00.001-08:002012-07-09T17:21:47.855-07:00Cops Hunt Thomas Churchwell After Bloggers Vanish<div align="justify"><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sam Eagle</span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3s1TwL1-yipV20U33YEMzAqxnvY_IX8wYkINVojLL7sedQg9pgxvclpGyLMyuJY73bmqXvv4V5cSbZ-lqv31Xr2MuCgGondCOFLbP7DtyF9ohErXI1aKA4z9I4jH9j7h5fsQHm6U_8V2m/s1600/orangutan+rrr.bmp"><img style="margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 211px; height: 155px; float: left;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525075147868610450" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3s1TwL1-yipV20U33YEMzAqxnvY_IX8wYkINVojLL7sedQg9pgxvclpGyLMyuJY73bmqXvv4V5cSbZ-lqv31Xr2MuCgGondCOFLbP7DtyF9ohErXI1aKA4z9I4jH9j7h5fsQHm6U_8V2m/s320/orangutan+rrr.bmp" /></a>Hate site blogger Thomas 'Tarquin' Churchwell, pictured at left, is being sought by cops after hundreds of wax figurines vanished from the National Waxed Museum in Queens County, New York.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Police sources said Churchwell was caught by surveillance cameras, as he burst into the museum after midnight and made off with wax models of well known bloggers.<br /><br />"He is a desperado," a police official told The Online Report today, after emphasizing that authorities had found no sane motive behind the thefts.<br /><br />"Many of the stolen attractions included waxed characters from the National Association For The Advancement Of Free Speech On The Internet (NAAFSI), and the small figure of a Hasselblad camera once owned by photographer Annie Leibovitz," he said.<br /><br />Museum Curator Phillip Van Doh issued a brief statement to The Online Report. "This has all the earmarks of a Thomas Churchwell caper."<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">The Museum has issued a plea for the return of the memorabilia.<br /><br />Thomas Churchwell is a limber 89.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153); font-style: italic;">This story is a parody.</span> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-27492954765094942552009-01-07T00:54:00.000-08:002011-03-01T19:42:53.662-08:00BREAKING NEWS BLOG WINS PULITZER PRIZE<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Samuel Eagle</span><br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjncHUVGc5lEg5izedep9dFmsifPfm2IERyCXxQ8LUCUAlnzbpQJXJZ-ecP_qZZPzbupQ5dUUKjLwJXXrEdPzf_GlvbWKYCUf0T-AVA1g8jslRqNVfSPJIHny_xoPoQRgiewHRhAL6feOk/s1600-h/breaking+news+prize.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 202px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 145px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288489982676000018" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjncHUVGc5lEg5izedep9dFmsifPfm2IERyCXxQ8LUCUAlnzbpQJXJZ-ecP_qZZPzbupQ5dUUKjLwJXXrEdPzf_GlvbWKYCUf0T-AVA1g8jslRqNVfSPJIHny_xoPoQRgiewHRhAL6feOk/s400/breaking+news+prize.bmp" /></a>New York - The Pulitzer Prize Committee announced today that The Breaking News blog, a satire and parody site, has been posthumously awarded the coveted prize for comedy journalism.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">"This is a watershed moment for the Internet," said Augustus Braverton, spokesman for the Selection Committee. "We are very happy to back the Breaking News site (screenshot at left) for the ultimate journalism prize."<br /><br /></div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Before its grisly murder in November, the Breaking News parody blog was comprised of an international writing team that contributed news stories about hate blogger Thomas "Tarquin" Churchwell.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Learning of what he called, "this travesty," Churchwell lamented his failure to win the prestigious prize. On the bottom of blog lists for decades, he suggested Kokomo the gorilla would probably be awarded the prize next year. This sentiment was labeled as sour grapes by Braverton.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Braverton said, "The Breaking News writers spanned four corners of the Internet in an endless search for hysterical new stories. How could the Pulitzer Prize committee ignore such talent, skill and dedication?"<br /></div><br />A list of other winners is expected to be announced later this week.<br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(102,102,102)"><br />This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-65572162373792403912009-01-02T22:32:00.000-08:002011-09-04T20:42:35.533-07:00Thomas Churchwell Announces Engagement To Casey Anthony<div align="justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle, Jr.
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH2Q1fgShb1X2LYPNDIx2BmpfLhLL-MUm66SVg4PhpKmqcbWAzf0kqYBASkjzxD0DF-EOhdsMUfsQCiokeAPpCP0H3Au9P_Ib7Mw2sE_yDLXee2vI7dbWluZDwpio3EQNM3oiItfD5RI04/s1600/casey+anthony+r.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 167px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 183px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5548200778516135122" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH2Q1fgShb1X2LYPNDIx2BmpfLhLL-MUm66SVg4PhpKmqcbWAzf0kqYBASkjzxD0DF-EOhdsMUfsQCiokeAPpCP0H3Au9P_Ib7Mw2sE_yDLXee2vI7dbWluZDwpio3EQNM3oiItfD5RI04/s320/casey+anthony+r.jpg" /></a>Queens, NY - Hate blogger Thomas Churchwell has announced his engagement to a Florida woman accused of killing her toddler, after they were matched on an Internet dating site.
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<br />Sources say the 'Liar King' blogger and Casey Anthony found they had much in common when they became pen pals. Churchwell has been prolific with a pen for years, though he now maintains that he is a psycho.
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<br />Casey Anthony entered a not guilty plea to charges she murdered her daughter, after repeatedly lying to investigators about the girl's whereabouts.
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<br />Liars In Love dating agency spokesman Colin McRobot said, "We never get it wrong. Casey and Churchy's profiles clicked, we wish them luck! They are both pathological liars and deserve each other!"
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<br />Since Churchwell is an ex-felon and Casey is a felon herself, the wedding is expected sooner rather than later. Reports that OJ Simpson will be the groom's best man could not be confirmed at press time.
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<br /><span style="COLOR: rgb(102,102,102)"><em>This story is a parody. </em></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-86617699607424849322008-12-31T17:09:00.002-08:002012-07-09T17:24:29.550-07:00Everything Must Go!<span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sam Eagle</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRlQ0CKn-ZhpbhAGU2pT9WZkTOmvGWbfeeKW-dy642B1fNutrzdTHCblx7DYQzdvaCnTvn983TMBDUTV49wYMZ0CRLzjkqSfrh_fgq4iJeI66K8Xtp8ACSSda7uR7DeCcj2lCEq-cCyVY/s1600-h/toxic+waste+r.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 162px; height: 163px; float: left; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5286129766898336962" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRlQ0CKn-ZhpbhAGU2pT9WZkTOmvGWbfeeKW-dy642B1fNutrzdTHCblx7DYQzdvaCnTvn983TMBDUTV49wYMZ0CRLzjkqSfrh_fgq4iJeI66K8Xtp8ACSSda7uR7DeCcj2lCEq-cCyVY/s320/toxic+waste+r.bmp" /></a>With Thomas Churchwell's blog getting less traffic in the final hours of 2008 than ever before, he announced today that everything must be sold before the end of the year - and that means everything.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Today shoppers walked out with cheesy artwork, a battered copy of the Urban Dictionary, which lists Churchwell as a "backstabbing, crappy magician", plus shopping baskets filled with swastikas, and even the blog's header.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">"When I clear my site of stock, I really clear it," said the eighty-two year old hate blogger. "Yesterday I sold the last of my ammo and porn. I'm running real low on shopping carts."<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Shoppers are stocking up at Churchwell's Everything Must Go sale, even stripping his site of its sidebar and embedded spam. "I have a spam site over on Blogger," one shopper exclaimed. "I reckon this crap will look quite nice."<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">When asked about his hate posts, Churchwell moaned, “I'm selling my hate posts for a nickel a post, and I still have 10,000,000 left!" </div><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153); font-style: italic;">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-36486450156431717012008-12-31T00:01:00.001-08:002012-07-09T17:44:28.695-07:00Name Hall Of Shame<div align="justify"><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sam Eagle, Jr.</span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1tVtTj-Y46T8QtH6c_PkI8uXh6PPwqShmb4D6Kn2QMufh4tHrqMLCQYVPKrO5asPv2GoIP1sHn7Sw7MqRWAdEOMHMqvxfZRxrIHz2jmgw45ss-u105017QpFjXJdCLNKpD4cvGM1ggP5o/s1600/dictionary+r.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 192px; height: 129px; float: left;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5548877622150464898" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1tVtTj-Y46T8QtH6c_PkI8uXh6PPwqShmb4D6Kn2QMufh4tHrqMLCQYVPKrO5asPv2GoIP1sHn7Sw7MqRWAdEOMHMqvxfZRxrIHz2jmgw45ss-u105017QpFjXJdCLNKpD4cvGM1ggP5o/s320/dictionary+r.jpg" /></a>The term "crappy, backstabbing magician" is to be removed from the 2009 edition of the Urban Dictionary when referring to Thomas Churchwell. The new official term will be "Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler."<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Churchwell is said to be relieved that the phrase "crappy, backstabbing magician" will be dropped, since rumors of his ever having been a magician were greatly exaggerated. The Urban Dictionary's editor said that while still appropriate, "crappy, backstabbing magician' was overshadowed this year by Churchwell's name being linked to censorship.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">"We bandied several names around," said dictionary spokesman Charles Q. Wordsmith, "but we decided on 'Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler', since everyone knows who that means."<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Other descriptions in the running included 'Liar King,' ''Misogynist Man,' 'Pickpocket who wants to be like Fagin,' and nicknames that already are familiar to the blogosphere: 'Tarball,' 'Upchurch,' and 'Churchhell.'<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Meanwhile, the Turkish government is demanding that the word 'turkey' - used to describe a large poultry bird raised for food - be removed from the dictionary and replaced with 'Big Chicken - but more expensive'.<br /></div><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153); font-style: italic;">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-82717535634809120632008-12-30T13:12:00.003-08:002012-06-18T21:43:32.158-07:00'Psycho Santa Hitler' Arrives in Blogland<div align="justify"><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sammy Eagle</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgcOfuTu8nZA_0xDU-gDPSyIenU-R21yxKqG8HgOBfXX5Mb28mIIQ-naBwiOu1WSWTHH0qHVMqgAc7oNOGpuyY1ZO201tjqAhB_td_zKNBX326Sq_H95h-nIO00AVWRDx7rdw5cPZIQai1/s1600-h/hitler+santa.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 161px; height: 181px; float: left; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285707509921372370" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgcOfuTu8nZA_0xDU-gDPSyIenU-R21yxKqG8HgOBfXX5Mb28mIIQ-naBwiOu1WSWTHH0qHVMqgAc7oNOGpuyY1ZO201tjqAhB_td_zKNBX326Sq_H95h-nIO00AVWRDx7rdw5cPZIQai1/s320/hitler+santa.bmp" /></a>A character named 'Psycho Santa Hitler' has reared his ugly head on the Thomas Churchwell hate site, and most likely will not be there for very long.<br /><br />The 'Psycho Santa Hitler' imposter has penned numerous blog posts in the disturbing style of a nazi and harassed bloggers of much greater note.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Such imposters are haters, said Professor Lee St. John of the University of London, who makes a habit of studying the characteristics of cyber criminals.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">"The Thomas Churchwell site regularly promotes the banning of blogs and targets women for hate, so it is not surprising the author might take on the name of Hitler," Professor St. John explained. "I'm afraid this is another creation of Thomas Churchwell wishing to play nasty games with the public."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Contacted at her North Pole home, Clara Claus was outraged to learn of her husband's name being linked with Hitler. She said, "Of all the most disgusting chimeras ever to be spawned in the name of tyranny, this 'Psycho Santa Hitler' takes the biscuit!"<br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Editor's note: We cannot help feeling pity for a blogger who would resort to this. Perhaps he is frustrated with his low position on The Bloggers of Note list and wishes to take it out on successful bloggers (of greater note) who manage to stay on top without resorting to hate.<br /></div><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153); font-style: italic;">This story is a parody.</span> </div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-75541507502202227112008-12-29T17:45:00.000-08:002010-12-07T22:59:39.328-08:00Churchwell To Shower In Israel<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle, Jr.</span><br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7l1tiMKysaFKwHMU-Vb_xouoo6AjKvlDTHPxaExnjrYV22CFX4PaMl3bnzmkX7MlTlvlWJ86mB9DWLNwiGBxvzS9t3csOGbEcRSmZS4aGW70OxNl4MKp8J5KgCPY0AKnC6QR0mso_Nzbk/s1600-h/shower.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 167px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 169px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5285395761150461362" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7l1tiMKysaFKwHMU-Vb_xouoo6AjKvlDTHPxaExnjrYV22CFX4PaMl3bnzmkX7MlTlvlWJ86mB9DWLNwiGBxvzS9t3csOGbEcRSmZS4aGW70OxNl4MKp8J5KgCPY0AKnC6QR0mso_Nzbk/s320/shower.bmp" /></a>Combining two odious posts from his hate site today, Thomas Churchwell announced that he will shower in Israel with the ghost of slain socialite and fashion writer Christa Worthington, who he briefly dated twenty years ago and still exploits on his blogs.<br /><br />Churchwell says he has dreamed of this moment and can't wait for the thrill of soaping up in Jerusalem, hopefully before the new year.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Spokeswoman Lotta Poope said Churchwell will bring along a shower cap, cotton buds, and a photographer (of course!) to tape the momentous event, the first of its kind.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Tabloids will be covering the bizarre happening and Churchwell is said to be excited by all the attention. "I'm gonna be famous!" he cried.</div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-45009548975913081012008-12-22T00:00:00.002-08:002012-07-09T17:47:19.465-07:00Thomas Churchwell Releases 'Christmas' CD<div align="justify"><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sam 'Mistletoe' Eagle</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzH539EZcXu0GCIYFS4GDjk1BpK4DUn7mDVKSAlvtzO3z4E0w3KSyJePuqFnh9ig_1SLKoaLN-JCINAkpl4APSI1NN1YUsKTXFnpz1680G3bIm-ecWCJXmhrYfo0GJCZsYNJwtYSMpzWQp/s1600-h/I+want+your+blog+rrrrrrrrrr.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 171px; height: 234px; float: left; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5282554610591525778" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzH539EZcXu0GCIYFS4GDjk1BpK4DUn7mDVKSAlvtzO3z4E0w3KSyJePuqFnh9ig_1SLKoaLN-JCINAkpl4APSI1NN1YUsKTXFnpz1680G3bIm-ecWCJXmhrYfo0GJCZsYNJwtYSMpzWQp/s400/I+want+your+blog+rrrrrrrrrr.bmp" /></a>Ubiquitous hate blogger Thomas Churchwell, pictured at left, is set to release a Christmas CD recorded in bluegrass style.<br /><br />Teaming with the late Homer 'Banjo' Pickens and recording most of the album in the blue hills of Kentucky, Churchwell is planning to perform some of the classics but will create a few new titles on his own.<br /><br />Churchwell's spokeswoman Lotta Poope told reporters, "After a couple of months down there, Thomas mellowed right out. His creative juices really began to flow!"<br /><br /></div><div align="justify">Covering old standards like "Jingle Bells" and "I Saw Mommy Riding Santa Claus," Churchwell will add four new original cuts to the album. Replacing the lyrics to "Sleigh Ride," Churchwell's version, titled "Slay Ride," is about a bearded blogger who slays sleigh riders while yodeling. The X-rated "Rudolph the Red-A**ed Reindeer" is not for the squeamish, and sure to be booed by young and old alike is "Frosty The Censor Man." Finally, "Have Myself A Merry Little Christmas" replaces wishes for yuletide sharing, with dreams of wiping out every blog on the Internet (except his own).<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Poope said, "It's a different kind of holiday album, a bit off center, but so is Thomas! It's the perfect album to kick back with a tall glass of Bourbon and watch the lights blinking on the tree."<br /></div><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153); font-style: italic;">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-58292175095816276082008-12-20T17:08:00.000-08:002009-06-06T00:34:21.200-07:00A Message From Our Sponsor<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7F0pCI-wDWLn_8lsKVh_sSU39xbzTXezpXn9AciDosx45uaZsgFloWbR_tF0ZPe9LxzmNX6aXCcFeiC8QjW5Zovi4Tc_f1QIpwTGUita3ZgFDSl2bRU9Ec0N84L1YcTTswLcSAMNSabRW/s1600-h/blogs+r.bmp"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7F0pCI-wDWLn_8lsKVh_sSU39xbzTXezpXn9AciDosx45uaZsgFloWbR_tF0ZPe9LxzmNX6aXCcFeiC8QjW5Zovi4Tc_f1QIpwTGUita3ZgFDSl2bRU9Ec0N84L1YcTTswLcSAMNSabRW/s320/blogs+r.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5344090565562110130" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-33491584291199056992008-12-19T17:40:00.000-08:002011-12-22T21:06:06.482-08:00World's Oldest Hater Dies<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Samuel Eagle</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXfK54zWIW2japSBrt51kX5_NgD1P9zaLqvrfsCXXEBhn-SzI_IJ5VU1w765oy2301IQyffzW63ABQuBYdQlYQ0FdIz4iPkMOk3sNENGqmMrFjetFgb2NeUsDIPOmjHCkPh9x6pH-jf7uX/s1600-h/ugly+old+man.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 190px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 191px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279146611242317186" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXfK54zWIW2japSBrt51kX5_NgD1P9zaLqvrfsCXXEBhn-SzI_IJ5VU1w765oy2301IQyffzW63ABQuBYdQlYQ0FdIz4iPkMOk3sNENGqmMrFjetFgb2NeUsDIPOmjHCkPh9x6pH-jf7uX/s400/ugly+old+man.bmp" /></a>Washington- The world's oldest hater, according to the Guinness Book of Accurate Records, has died at age 104.<br /><br />Clem Sickel had only recently become the world's oldest hater, after the death of Adolpho Ricardo Del Toreador at age 106 last month.<br /><br />Assuming the new title will be habitual liar and lifelong hater Thomas Churchwell, 96, of Queens, New York.<br /><br />Mr. Sickel defied the traditional picture of old age and looked even older (photo at left). In an interview given shortly before his death, he was asked how he retained his decrepit appearance.<br /><br />"First and most important, NEVER do any exercise!" he screamed. "When you are born, you are given a set number of heartbeats. After they run out, you die. When you exercise, your heart beats faster and you use up all the beats.”<br /><br />Also, he continued," I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. The tar that coats my lungs prevents the oxygen I breathe from rusting out my pipes.”<br /><br />“Third, NEVER go outside. NEVER!"<br /><br />“And, finally," he said, "hating the WORLD keeps my brain cells firing like rockets!”<br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Mr. Sickel's formula for longevity seems to defy everything we've been told, but who can say? He made it to 104...and, for a hater, that is really something.<br /></div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-30806249740397556412008-12-16T00:27:00.000-08:002011-03-01T19:51:04.206-08:00Up Yours New Game: Cyber Stalker<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Samuel Eagle</span><br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSeJW99NDaG_bLzY3pLgkY2YT0HwyJjc6lPBtBkiSAMJXCu0UNstr-PpIRkzbnkONSM-SiHHQI8cISR_kZJZkx1nRZV4C0Ftt55CcjTA9vYj3WjFVxiDvJBP-hisk2uqWTcew8r1I1SOOa/s1600-h/cyber+stalker.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 170px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 230px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5280312766238078706" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSeJW99NDaG_bLzY3pLgkY2YT0HwyJjc6lPBtBkiSAMJXCu0UNstr-PpIRkzbnkONSM-SiHHQI8cISR_kZJZkx1nRZV4C0Ftt55CcjTA9vYj3WjFVxiDvJBP-hisk2uqWTcew8r1I1SOOa/s400/cyber+stalker.bmp" /></a><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Up Yours Games, the controversial game developer behind such titles as "Grand Theft Auto" and "Cyber Bully," has announced they are in the final stages of developing their new game, "Cyber Stalker." </span></div><p></p><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">"After the success of 'Cyber Bully,' 'Cyber Stalker' seemed like a natural fit," said company spokeswoman Julia Retting.</span><br /></div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><br /><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">In the game, players first select a target from a list of the "Most Stalkable Women" provided by the editors of Rosy Palm Magazine. Alternately, players can choose to create their own target with special victimizer software, where players pick the right hair, body shape, and other features to create their ideal victim.</span><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify; COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"><br />The player then embarks on many missions of increasing difficulty, from simple trolling missions to intimidation and threats.<br /><p></p><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify; COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Along with completing the missions, players are awarded points based on obsession level, degree of alienation of subject, and restraining orders accumulated.<br /><p></p><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify; COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Noted human rights activist Jack Goodman has filed a strong objection to the game's content. "This game is a training manual for criminal activity on the Web and should be banned from being published, distributed, or even publicized, in the interests of personal freedom and safety. I find this game shameful on every possible level."<br /></div><p style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"></p><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify; COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Predictably, Retting replied, "Up Yours Games rejects the notion that our video games encourage crime. 'Cyber Stalker' provides a safe, consequence-free way for people to explore their stalking fantasies. Anyway, the license agreement for the game clears us of any liability."<br /><p></p><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify; COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">When asked to comment on the 'Cyber Stalker' game, notorious cyber stalker Thomas Churchwell said: "Cool!"<br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)"></span></div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify; COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)"><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)"><br />This story is a parody.</span> </div></div></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-44024423124615001012008-12-14T05:17:00.002-08:002012-07-09T17:52:02.940-07:00Churchwell Disappointed At Being Passed Over For Movie Role<span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sam Eagle, Jr.</span><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLrbqgTCU4p6TZe2yLpASOYoB2pOUKgrG64qDsmVO1f7DK_rOEPZwA418i90CCdffREeCk96_HomuBZhnBd5UmFYpTTE856jkfRDlQJf5E3ebAOAwnrcVtyDyNn5OJnNTrgQtQbyUmuaDI/s1600-h/movie+time.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 184px; height: 159px; float: left; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279643124454259138" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLrbqgTCU4p6TZe2yLpASOYoB2pOUKgrG64qDsmVO1f7DK_rOEPZwA418i90CCdffREeCk96_HomuBZhnBd5UmFYpTTE856jkfRDlQJf5E3ebAOAwnrcVtyDyNn5OJnNTrgQtQbyUmuaDI/s400/movie+time.bmp" /></a>Hollyweird, CA- After having had a tatted hand in the grisly murder of the Breaking News parody blog last month, Thomas Churchwell is disappointed at being passed over for the role of Thomas Churchwell in "Breaking News Blog: The Movie."<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">According to sources, Churchwell is crushed that he wasn't even asked to play the role that he immortalized.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">"Father O'Reilly is the producer of this movie, and he happens to be one of my many, many victims," he said. "I once tried to censor a homily of his, so I was sure he would consider me for the part in the Breaking News movie! Frankly, I'm hurt."</div><div align="justify"><br />Father O'Reilly sent the fallen blogger a letter of apology, stating that he had been a reader of the Breaking News blog since it was first published. "Turning it into a G-rated movie has been difficult." He assured Churchwell, long rumored to be on the wait list for an exorcism, that he had nothing to do with choosing the parts, or he definitely would have been considered to play himself.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Churchwell wrote back with a tear-stained note that said, "That's showbiz." </div><br /><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-style: italic;">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-43451707363708264252008-12-12T20:30:00.000-08:002011-09-04T20:44:54.499-07:00"Big Hater" Crown Stolen<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle</span>
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<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJiwzEESLvwd9vq3JGYRDCjKtWIjt8rG5L9kq6xUwl9LkNuvrQp6ArhOYpSKIouatXrAohk0qE7Kr2kEDpV78-q2pvu5B6D-1mwW7pDwWx1YpeyHPrZoBQoc107gvq35Sx4Reg5h6ksq4I/s1600-h/crown.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 192px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 137px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279141147672349682" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJiwzEESLvwd9vq3JGYRDCjKtWIjt8rG5L9kq6xUwl9LkNuvrQp6ArhOYpSKIouatXrAohk0qE7Kr2kEDpV78-q2pvu5B6D-1mwW7pDwWx1YpeyHPrZoBQoc107gvq35Sx4Reg5h6ksq4I/s400/crown.bmp" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">A 'Big Hater' crown awarded to Thomas Churchwell by the censorship site calling itself "Ban, Baby, Ban" was dramatically stolen last night. </span></span></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">The 'Liar King,' blogger was asleep at his computer around midnight, when someone crept into his apartment and stole his crown.</span></span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">"One minute it was on my head, and the next it was gone!" Churchwell cried.</span></span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Freedom Of Speech spokeswoman Judi Hamilton said, "It is disgraceful that someone like him who obviously stokes the fires of censorship had any right to win a crown in the first place."</span></span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Snatch Magazine is offering a reward to anyone having information about the crown's whereabouts. The lucky person will receive a can of harvest gold paint.</span>
<br /></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
<br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-71678805868452827662008-12-12T00:32:00.000-08:002011-07-13T23:47:28.401-07:00Churchwell Sought By Goolag Police<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle, Jr.</span><br /><br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTnFnhEdJ_ZK3Bzg0QA_F44o9x6BVt6e437ryjLaH60WkMbbzlYAMMR4l-JunPkmuqLQ3cZ1kLDg-HxHgSkOpkVFeS1GsVSM24AcR9eRwu6JDQhyphenhyphenxP3d-uAH81eOWEATco9wZekVWoT_fW/s1600-h/give+me+your+blog.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 182px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 178px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281809874330235330" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTnFnhEdJ_ZK3Bzg0QA_F44o9x6BVt6e437ryjLaH60WkMbbzlYAMMR4l-JunPkmuqLQ3cZ1kLDg-HxHgSkOpkVFeS1GsVSM24AcR9eRwu6JDQhyphenhyphenxP3d-uAH81eOWEATco9wZekVWoT_fW/s400/give+me+your+blog.bmp" /></a>Thomas Churchwell, the controversial, heavy-chested cyber stalker, is being sought by members of the Goolag police, in connection with various offenses ranging from libel and threats, to falsely reporting a parody blog for TOS violations, to the less serious offense of performing a sexual act with a walnut.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">The bombastic blogger, thought to be about 80, joined Goolag dot com two years ago, and 'stirred up a hornets nest' again this week by clashing swords with one of Goolag's most prolific censors, Herr Snuffy Kilborn.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">The German-born censor was involved in the Breaking News parody blog murder, but after reading the blog, as it lay dying, he suddenly realized that he had been <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">had</span> - by Churchwell. And this, sources say, resulted in a frantic search to discover the true identity of the latter, with theories being wildly tossed around the Blogosphere.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Although the search has thus far proved fruitless, Truman Capote is the name on many lips, due to the lisping author having had the same initials as Churchwell. But literates have pointed out that Mr. Churchwell has no talent for writing. Said one, "After reading his posts, I wanted to flush them down the crapper."<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Meanwhile, the search continues. Churchwell, who claims to be a magician, has been hiding out on his Wordpress hate site, obviously delighting in the mayhem he has caused.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">If prosecuted, however, he faces being banned from both Goolag and Booger dot com, after undergoing a not insubstantial 'spanking punishment' from Herr Kilborn, which, doubtless, will keep him in blogging material for another decade.<br /></div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-54311138896368312722008-12-11T01:36:00.000-08:002011-09-03T09:43:32.020-07:00Thomas Churchwell Shows Up At Google Totally Naked<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sammy Eagle</span>
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<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitKiy6uPLmEAm00iwAICWSoEhk4FjWm-Onz6iMKkuXH38EeEF3wRASqNAawWvmBGRHkEdet0YBcZmBXAjrCFsPpEPFINr1qOwDvUMdR-4iuf-8y2ofiFv0XY9n1MxyM3HO1mq05-MefZMl/s1600-h/screaming+man.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 172px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 176px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5361447927531036082" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitKiy6uPLmEAm00iwAICWSoEhk4FjWm-Onz6iMKkuXH38EeEF3wRASqNAawWvmBGRHkEdet0YBcZmBXAjrCFsPpEPFINr1qOwDvUMdR-4iuf-8y2ofiFv0XY9n1MxyM3HO1mq05-MefZMl/s400/screaming+man.bmp" /></a><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">New details are emerging about the murder of a parody blog and Thomas Churchwell's extreme efforts to see it slain.</span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">The staff at Google rocked with laughter last week, as the opaque glass doors of the home office hissed open and in walked a naked elderly man.</span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">The old man was no ordinary naked old man. It was hate blogger Thomas Churchwell - in the flesh, too. The first words out of his mouth were, "Where's that moron I sent the million emails to?"</span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Office intern Jason Nerdo, pictured above, pointed to a small office next to the water coooler. "Over there! His name is Lowman. By the way, big ass!"</span>
<br /></div><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
<br />"Who? Me or him?"</span>
<br /><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
<br />"Well, both I guess!"</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">The angry Churchwell jiggled the few yards and slammed the door behind him. The shocked, young executive stood and was so flustered, he offered his computer's mouse in lieu of a handshake.</span>
<br />
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Churchwell immediately unloaded at the stupified young man. "OK, Lowman. That Breaking News blog. I am the first to admit that I love reading about myself, but I hate women! I want them off the Internet! Doesn't anyone here share my hatred of women?"</span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">"Uh... it's a parody blog. I didn't take it seriously," countered Lowman cautiously. "Look, people don't even take Google seriously." </span>
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">The office intern cracked open the door. "You might try emailing Snuffy Kilborn," he told the fuming Churchwell. "He's one of our censors."</span>
<br /></div><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
<br /></span><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">Lowman said, "By the way, big ass!" </span>
<br /><span style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,0)">
<br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span></span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-77667450637094748582008-12-07T16:06:00.001-08:002012-06-18T21:35:40.488-07:00Suspect Says He Was Under Orders from 'The Special One'<span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sam Eagle</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1d53egOGE9Af6qrl2wAxDDbBrtso5EUC6Lg86cOhkiL8E9drGV2q1uHD5mEKCAz9UMUJW2NMH22ezSFBCyt22IAdjciq0j7DSFo1jVMeTpYDh32_gcdl6Kc4qcHGSMdhuLgJ4E8LCKX7u/s1600-h/man+scared+at+computer.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 192px; height: 152px; float: left; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277331808038348818" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1d53egOGE9Af6qrl2wAxDDbBrtso5EUC6Lg86cOhkiL8E9drGV2q1uHD5mEKCAz9UMUJW2NMH22ezSFBCyt22IAdjciq0j7DSFo1jVMeTpYDh32_gcdl6Kc4qcHGSMdhuLgJ4E8LCKX7u/s400/man+scared+at+computer.bmp" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">A programmer at Booger dot com tried to kill the Breaking News parody blog and admitted that he was obeying orders from a crazed blogger known as 'The Special One,' according to a police statement issued today:</span><br /></div><p></p><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"At first the suspect wept and told us that this 'Special One' would deal with him severely if he said anything. We had to read Thomas Churchwell's blog to him over and over again to get him to crack. What he had to say was of great interest to us."</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">It emerged that the suspect, whose screen name is 'boofromboise', received more than a thousand emails from 'The Special One' last summer, insisting that he destroy the Breaking News parody blog. When the suspect politely asked him to stop writing him, he was taken via a web cam to a dim, underground site, then left alone with 'The Special One' who sat on a yellow throne.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"I never saw his face. All I could see were crusty tattooed fingers on the arm of the throne. He said "Hiya, dummy, I've been expecting you."</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">'The Special One' then proceeded to outline his plan for killing the Breaking News parody blog, which included "anonymous threats and lying his head off to Goolag dot com and to Booger dot com." He implied that if the suspect didn't follow his orders, there would be hell to pay.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"He said I'd be sorry. What did he mean, you ask? I don't know! I assumed he would do to me whatever he was doing to the author of that blog. Anyway, I didn't get the job done and now I'm in deep trouble." Unaware that the Breaking News blog was slain last November, his teeth began to chatter. "This 'Special One' said laws were for suckers. He whined a lot, and he had an immense hatred of ladies! He mentioned something about world blog domination - I can't remember all of what he said...I was paralyzed with fear."</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Police say the suspect refused to reveal more and begged to be locked in a prison for his own safety.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">When asked by reporters if he had invented the 'Special One' story, he shook his head and said earnestly: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn't exist." </span></div><p style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153); font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 0in;">This story is a parody.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-24657066761161647882008-12-06T03:37:00.001-08:002012-06-18T21:39:53.271-07:00Blogosphere Reeling Over Report<span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Samuel Eagle</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidy7gyNmqJSw_yY5hRvwHia_ohct_1Z_2Sn51ffs-kF8PfefU1D7PSrO2sSDvsJCj0fHPRsCTTSW7zNYbSuU0SzrdwuG-LKA1QpiWigbKwmzaPD0T8bYL7R_lw9cyj7mvyc3nmPf2wTA-Z/s1600-h/goolag+r.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 181px; height: 96px; float: left; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5276671834837824242" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidy7gyNmqJSw_yY5hRvwHia_ohct_1Z_2Sn51ffs-kF8PfefU1D7PSrO2sSDvsJCj0fHPRsCTTSW7zNYbSuU0SzrdwuG-LKA1QpiWigbKwmzaPD0T8bYL7R_lw9cyj7mvyc3nmPf2wTA-Z/s200/goolag+r.bmp" /></a><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" >In a stunning statement today, a nineteen-year-old censor at Goolag dot com announced: "I have looked at all available evidence and have come to the conclusion that Thomas Churchwell is a victim of the free press. There is no evidence that he committed a dozen TOS violations, or even that he ever blogged. It was all invented by fee-males who are trying to ruin men!"</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><br /></span></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><div style="text-align: justify; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Snuffy Kilborn, a graduate of the Heil H Academy, went on to say, "A free press is a dangerous thing when it interferes with a guy doing what a guy wants to do. I have known since puberty that fee-male blogging communities are run by freedom loving revolutionaries who want to wipe out cyber bullies above all else!" Fingering a pustule on his chin, the young censor sputtered, "I recommend that all blogs be state controlled, and blogs written by fee-males be censored by Team Goolag!"</span><br /></span></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><div style="text-align: justify; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" >Mr. Churchwell, seen blogging hate in an Internet cafe, said happily, "Everything Snuffy said is correct. Women who blog should be brought under state control in all countries. It is the only way I'll ever get any peace!"<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" >Proclaiming in recent essays that he is a psycho, Churchwell added, "Getting Snuff to clear me was a long process and the closest I ever came to having a real job. My one million emails to him worked!"</span><br /></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Herr Kilborn's mother issued a statement of her own: "Can Snuffy resign now, please?"</span><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:100%;" ><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153); font-style: italic;">This story is a parody. Snuffy Kilborn is completely fictitious.</span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-64705300830888358292008-12-04T14:30:00.000-08:002011-01-20T14:00:20.452-08:00Blogger Named Magazine's 'Hunter Of The Year'<span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle III</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2iyGEsDX0EQLNsw7O9mnrNMxbw8kRxGhkVZjryLuMrf4fyjCN0PA7pP8PZ2NM30AxzBT7i8W8hDhuiYsQKs-yrpnzXACfKRlf6Je6aMkEwTI2z8cI6DWfsbzgVWikLN-84Viw1MJqM2TT/s1600-h/shooting+computer+r.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 170px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 146px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274738725212805650" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2iyGEsDX0EQLNsw7O9mnrNMxbw8kRxGhkVZjryLuMrf4fyjCN0PA7pP8PZ2NM30AxzBT7i8W8hDhuiYsQKs-yrpnzXACfKRlf6Je6aMkEwTI2z8cI6DWfsbzgVWikLN-84Viw1MJqM2TT/s200/shooting+computer+r.bmp" /></a> <div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">It's not all bad news for hate blogger Thomas Churchwell. Having been accused by human rights groups of repeated acts of cruelty against women, Women Are Dumb C**TS Magazine has named him Hunter of the Year.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">"We just had to give him the award," said Bick Pummel, editor of Women Are Dumb C**TS Magazine. "Thomas has distinguished himself not only as a cyber bully and liar, but as a very experienced hunter."<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Pummel explained that although blogs are not designed as lethal weapons, the 'hate blog' has nevertheless proven itself as an instrument of destruction, and therefore is technically considered a missile. Churchwell, he stated, has published hate for years and was "hungry like a wolf," when he wrote false complaints to Google, resulting in the murder of an innocent parody blog.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">"We had to classify Churchwell under the terror category for obvious reasons," said Pummel. "But if this catches on with other haters, we may just have to open a whole new category for hunting women."<br /></div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-79399695631652464382008-12-03T10:39:00.000-08:002010-08-05T22:38:44.903-07:00Angelina Jolie Adopts Thomas Churchwell<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle, Jr.</span><br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYD4DhTwWFzb6PI8CbdEBB8-YKB0xCgMTQObP6IucCr0NSMpDXHZET8FMPW-pbSbVbmW7UAwWEss4zQN628wRNVFaOHi3G9QqvZM_uN_69pE98eelEdtnluHSK2weJej5hyphenhyphenstTTv6h4Exb/s1600-h/Angelina+Jolie+r.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 181px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 210px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275507569578251042" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYD4DhTwWFzb6PI8CbdEBB8-YKB0xCgMTQObP6IucCr0NSMpDXHZET8FMPW-pbSbVbmW7UAwWEss4zQN628wRNVFaOHi3G9QqvZM_uN_69pE98eelEdtnluHSK2weJej5hyphenhyphenstTTv6h4Exb/s200/Angelina+Jolie+r.bmp" /></a>UN Very Special Envoy, Hollywood Star, and Compulsive Adopter Angelina Jolie is en route to New York to adopt Thomas Churchwell, star of countless hate blogs.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Jolie, interviewed in war-ravaged Darfur, said, "I need to go where I am truly needed. Thomas has suffered a crushing blow - the realization that no matter how well he acts the role of respectability now, his writings of indescribable hate and cruelty will be circling the web forever."<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Actor Brad Pitt, who accompanied Jolie to Darfur, piped up, "I just hope our newest son doesn't grab an Oscar nod for best actor this year. Talk about competition!"<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Serene Angelina, whose name means "little angel," said, "These Darfurians are fine now, at least the ones I have adopted. My work here is done."<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">The sun-kissed Pitts drove away, as the clouds parted and angel matter descended amid blinding light and overly dramatic trumpets.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Jolie is expected in New York within hours. Sources say Churchwell is excited about his adoption.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Back in Darfur, the angel matter was very good with mustard. "Tastes like potato chips," said a tribal elder through a spokesperson.<br /></div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic"><span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-48104348269481264162008-12-03T00:35:00.000-08:002011-09-04T20:33:58.674-07:00Blogosphere Attacked By Thousands of Satirists<span style="COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle III</span>
<br />
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhl80WMEB-TFWlbbG9MFWbg3bC5xgjz3kdzuBTQWOO8YLbyF6xeQA7tEc0lM3MXK_w8_k8CCI4LRv4Trz4GdaQZ_qrDLlZSM8XLE3Z7nYXz_tFAPjTic09TYkpSlOqoSMbhPZveXi8sp61/s1600-h/Internet+censorship+rr.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 177px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 127px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275493212376737314" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhl80WMEB-TFWlbbG9MFWbg3bC5xgjz3kdzuBTQWOO8YLbyF6xeQA7tEc0lM3MXK_w8_k8CCI4LRv4Trz4GdaQZ_qrDLlZSM8XLE3Z7nYXz_tFAPjTic09TYkpSlOqoSMbhPZveXi8sp61/s200/Internet+censorship+rr.bmp" /></a>The Blogosphere is teaming today with thousands of satirists waving signs that read, "Freedom of Speech Is Guaranteed Under The First Amendment!"
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">A spokesman for the cyber hate group Ban, Baby, Ban said: "There is now a war on satire, and we intend to win it. OK, we'll lose it, but at least we can <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">say</span> that we're winning it.'
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Americans almost invented satire in modern times, with such geniuses as Mark Twain, and now the Blogosphere is teeming with writers determined to expose hate bloggers, and other abuses.
<br />
<br />Cyber haters are angry. One hater, pausing for a moment after he accidentally deleted his own blog, said, "Satire is an abomination!"
<br /></div>
<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">There will be a Jerry Springer special later this week, when the haters are expected to shout obscenities and wave censorship signs on TV. </div>
<br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-15743322010013468802008-12-01T00:53:00.000-08:002009-08-25T02:22:22.745-07:00Innocent Parody Blog Viciously Attacked<span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">By Sam Eagle</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtY10xPlzs1I93UcPZt-STLmgq4LO5GZmKIdixniHxZU2-BxQnZNuGtZzLOIdK00W7Hp7xDrpS7IFkrsUGScNq5zBgwZWZ5vN2KLCCFBWcMwie2D53Xz4a_qUDuO9I4yvXcgcZKkP3wenE/s1600-h/censored+rr.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 169px; height: 187px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtY10xPlzs1I93UcPZt-STLmgq4LO5GZmKIdixniHxZU2-BxQnZNuGtZzLOIdK00W7Hp7xDrpS7IFkrsUGScNq5zBgwZWZ5vN2KLCCFBWcMwie2D53Xz4a_qUDuO9I4yvXcgcZKkP3wenE/s200/censored+rr.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274771350007634770" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:100%;" >An innocent, defenseless parody blog has been viciously attacked and reportedly is near death.</span><br /></div><p></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The Breaking News blog, a law-abiding parody and satire blog, was spotted curled up and gasping for air in a park.</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"I saw this object in the corner of the park," said the park supervisor, "and it was gasping. I could hear sobs. I couldn't see anything and was about to walk away when, out the corner of my eye, I noticed a little computer screen. It had eyes and a mouth and all, and it was crying."</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The harrowing ordeal is thought to have occurred two weeks ago. A forensic expert on the scene told the Online Report, "The blog had all the characteristics of having been viciously libeled and beaten up. Early indications show that it was the work of a cyber bully."</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sources say that the prime suspect in the attack is blogger Thomas Churchwell, who publicly expressed a keen liking for the Breaking News blog, but who has written much hate about it.<br /></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The blog was ashen, but was brave enough to give us a comment.</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"All I want to do is to help make blogging a safe experience for women," said the blog. "The general climate on the Web is awful to women. There's too much bullying and libel and hate sanctioned by blogging hosts like Google who look the other way. It's little wonder there are monsters who would do this."</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The blog, only 8 months old, has a very good point. </span> </p><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-3280235879906231462008-11-29T23:00:00.000-08:002011-07-14T00:15:31.991-07:00Cat Alleged To Be Channeling Thomas Churchwell<div align="justify"><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(192,192,192)">By Sam 'Catnip' Eagle</span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIvp3f9FO00Y07JznHMukY4w-ma1ZxIqozLatdPoH8pTQ_ve3iBzITlTweFGDye5nM2xOQgZGCI3sFiUDDUioj_46oiS8dY4ypA1Tl8XZd44i8T8HlFtNWe6zU6vUwVlYzNh_3lNZfMQ5a/s1600/snarling+cat.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 169px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 160px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5548196475252703010" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIvp3f9FO00Y07JznHMukY4w-ma1ZxIqozLatdPoH8pTQ_ve3iBzITlTweFGDye5nM2xOQgZGCI3sFiUDDUioj_46oiS8dY4ypA1Tl8XZd44i8T8HlFtNWe6zU6vUwVlYzNh_3lNZfMQ5a/s200/snarling+cat.jpg" /></a>Brememhoff, Germany- A cat is believed to be channeling the mind of notorious cyber bully Thomas Churchwell. Suspicions began when the cat randomly attacked bloggers in an Internet cafe.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify" align="justify">"Coming from a cat, it seemed as if everything was fine, but after a while it got worse" said the cafe manager.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Suspicions grew when the cat somehow managed to scratch death threats on a table.</div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">"At that point it was a bit scary, but very interesting," said the manager, who wished to remain nameless. "I started doing some experiments to see what was going on in the cat's mind."<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">When the cat was shown blogs written by women, it jumped at the computer monitor and ripped it apart, yet was very obedient when shown pictures of felons.</div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">"At that point I decided to bring in a cat mind reader," said the cafe manager.<br /></div><br />He brought in OJ Simpson.<br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">"It was my pleasure," said Simpson. "Hopefully, this will cleanse my reputation! I didn't mean for that book I wrote about Nicole's murder to be a confession! I just happened to read the mind of the real killer!"<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><br />Simpson found out that the cat was channeling the mind of none other than Thomas Churchwell.</div><br />"Finding it out was amazing" Simpson recalled. "Mind blowing!"<br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Sources say Churchwell and the cat, named Hess, are scheduled to tour the US in the next couple of weeks. </div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-11686527444465700322008-11-26T22:20:00.000-08:002011-07-14T00:16:10.741-07:00Cyber Bully Thomas Churchwell Puts His Prized Keyboard Up For Auction<span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">By Sam Eagle III</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgta4_pP9sVsWzD7XnI-uW3cET16AhusiYGcI3RxP_9IbJm4JpFBFawjvbKdp2jKc9RlObUsmz84OrteQkGbGmhZg1j_Bwmvwm_X3MrfXR6Ak75fBOVRjSKyz09P3TSdoLnDE6IBfztGtdV/s1600-h/dirty+keyboard.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 202px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 120px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356362937757031666" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgta4_pP9sVsWzD7XnI-uW3cET16AhusiYGcI3RxP_9IbJm4JpFBFawjvbKdp2jKc9RlObUsmz84OrteQkGbGmhZg1j_Bwmvwm_X3MrfXR6Ak75fBOVRjSKyz09P3TSdoLnDE6IBfztGtdV/s400/dirty+keyboard.bmp" /></a> <div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">The keyboard Thomas "fingers" Churchwell used this year to type defamation about dozens of women has been put up for auction on the Internet site Ebay, it was revealed today.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Nauseous Ebay bidders were not exactly clamoring to place bids on this unusual item. The bidding was at three dollars this afternoon.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">But sources say the bidding between two convicts at Leavenworth and the rap artist Down In The Dirty may become very fierce, before bidding closes.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Down In The Dirty said, "Only one keyboard? I'd go through twenty a day, if it was me. I could never resist anything that is sticky."<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Thomas would just cuddle that keyboard at night, but he needed the cash and being a cyber bully ain't that cheap these days."<br /></div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic; COLOR: rgb(153,153,153)">This story is a parody.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5545627981318596926.post-26044177425701283172008-11-15T21:45:00.000-08:002011-03-01T20:00:03.938-08:00Churchwell Denies Affair With Ghost<span style="COLOR: rgb(192,192,192)">By Sam Eagle</span><br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjREysyv8kKILqtdZ4dBzslyjCkSDjWflMBcZX_MuGVw5Ky2LtPzCL47GLbNtKfp_rDt8MHQtssZKOZEhS_-G7pR44-I_mTYvkwaSKSahyKmYSJNOfxm1HrcPFZlX9NjWC5NZ3qEfjPhJ_E/s1600-h/goat+r.bmp"><img style="MARGIN: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; WIDTH: 174px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 195px; CURSOR: pointer" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5269138135996844882" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjREysyv8kKILqtdZ4dBzslyjCkSDjWflMBcZX_MuGVw5Ky2LtPzCL47GLbNtKfp_rDt8MHQtssZKOZEhS_-G7pR44-I_mTYvkwaSKSahyKmYSJNOfxm1HrcPFZlX9NjWC5NZ3qEfjPhJ_E/s400/goat+r.bmp" /></a>Thomas Churchwell, taking a short break from hate blogging, has denied rumors that he had an affair with Casper the Ghost. "I adamantly deny that I have ever had anything to do with Casper in anything other than a paranormal experience!" Churchwell said.<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">According to Churchwell, "The other day I was using the bathroom in a gas station, where a woman was ranting about my blog. Being in the back, I couldn't hear very well. I thought she was finished, when she said, "Has anyone here ever seen a ghost, touched a ghost, or had sex with a ghost?" I opened the bathroom door and raised my hand. See, I thought she said <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">goat</span>."<br /></div><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: justify">Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Sometimes Thomas is hard of hearing, but he has never had any sort of physical relationship with Casper the Ghost; in Queens that is considered taboo."<br /></div><br /><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic;color:#c0c0c0;" >This story is a parody filed under the truth is stranger than fiction department.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com