Thomas Churchwell, 75, To Wed 21-year-old Ex-Stripper

By F Scott Eagle

In another example of old man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Thomas "Boom Boom" Churchwell, of Queens, New York is set to wed 21-year-old Britney Implantz, of Queens, next month. It's a stunning reversal for Churchwell, who has been holed up in the one-room apartment he refused to vacate after being served with eviction papers last May.

Mr Churchwell is a former D-List magician and Ms Implantz is a former stripper.

"It's a perfect match," Churchwell wheezed at reporters. "I'm a dirty old man and she's a hot young moron!"

The couple has scheduled a 5-day honeymoon in Hawaii and say they plan on having lots of scorching sex in a volcano. When the 75-year-old Churchwell was asked about the age difference, the danger of having sex in a volcano, and the risk of death on the honeymoon, he shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."

Thomas Churchwell Hires New Publicist

By Sam Eagle

High powered Queens, New York publicist, Lotta Poope, announced today that she is the new spokesperson for Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, and Thomas "Boom Boom" Crimewell.

Churchwell recently fired his long time publicist, Satan, for not getting him enough publicity.

Poope said, "I am pleased to represent Boom Boom and speak with forked tongue. We have lots of plans for him, including a horror movie deal, appearances on America's Most Wanted and possibly a reality show. And we plan to follow his eviction as it evolves. You'll be seeing and hearing a lot more about that. He's out!"

In addition to Churchwell, the Poope PR firm also represents Hollywood starlets and a long list of cyber criminals. The PR firm's motto is, "You sin, we spin".

Churchwell could not be reached for comment, as he is currently hiding out in his room. Sources say that he will be out, when his eviction from SUS is enforced in 2052.

This story is parody.