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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Everything Must Go!

By Sam Eagle

With Thomas Churchwell's blog getting less traffic in the final hours of 2008 than ever before, he announced today that everything must be sold before the end of the year - and that means everything.

Today shoppers walked out with cheesy artwork, a battered copy of the Urban Dictionary, which lists Churchwell as a "backstabbing, crappy magician", plus shopping baskets filled with swastikas, and even the blog's header.

"When I clear my site of stock, I really clear it," said the eighty-two year old hate blogger. "Yesterday I sold the last of my ammo and porn. I'm running real low on shopping carts."

Shoppers are stocking up at Churchwell's Everything Must Go sale, even stripping his site of its sidebar and embedded spam. "I have a spam site over on Blogger," one shopper exclaimed. "I reckon this crap will look quite nice."

When asked about his hate posts, Churchwell moaned, “I'm selling my hate posts for a nickel a post, and I still have 10,000,000 left!"

This story is a parody.

Name Hall Of Shame

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

The term "crappy, backstabbing magician" is to be removed from the 2009 edition of the Urban Dictionary when referring to Thomas Churchwell. The new official term will be "Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler."

Churchwell is said to be relieved that the phrase "crappy, backstabbing magician" will be dropped, since rumors of his ever having been a magician were greatly exaggerated. The Urban Dictionary's editor said that while still appropriate, "crappy, backstabbing magician' was overshadowed this year by Churchwell's name being linked to censorship.

"We bandied several names around," said dictionary spokesman Charles Q. Wordsmith, "but we decided on 'Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler', since everyone knows who that means."

Other descriptions in the running included 'Liar King,' ''Misogynist Man,' 'Pickpocket who wants to be like Fagin,' and nicknames that already are familiar to the blogosphere: 'Tarball,' 'Upchurch,' and 'Churchhell.'

Meanwhile, the Turkish government is demanding that the word 'turkey' - used to describe a large poultry bird raised for food - be removed from the dictionary and replaced with 'Big Chicken - but more expensive'.

This story is a parody.