Thursday, March 19, 2009

Thomas Churchwell Rushed To Hospital

By Sammy Eagle

Thomas Churchwell is in the news again, for crying out loud. Sources confirm the long time hate blogger was rushed to the hospital today.

Churchwell, who has been embroiled in controversy over online threats he made to murder Scarlett, a prominent blogger, was operated on to pry his fingers from his computer.

"It was a close call. Thomas was suffering from hate finger syndrome. We were able to operate on him, and probably saved the blogosphere," said ear, nose and finger surgeon, Ken Banish. "He might recover if he wears mittens from now on."

Cyber security expert John Truman said, "This has become a real problem for the blogosphere. In such an anonymous climate, where a blogger like Thomas Churchwell doesn't stick to the rules of common decency, he can get into real trouble. His death threats put him way out in front of other haters and that led to an acute attack of the syndrome."

Mr. Churchwell is resting comfortably in prison. Dr. Banish noted that gangrene of the fingers is always a possibility in cases like these. He added the prisoner's jaw has been wired shut, until he regains his self control.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cops Hunt Thomas Churchwell After Bloggers Vanish

By Sam Eagle

Hate site blogger Thomas 'Tarquin' Churchwell, pictured at left, is being sought by cops after hundreds of wax figurines vanished from the National Waxed Museum in Queens County, New York.

Police sources said Churchwell was caught by surveillance cameras, as he burst into the museum after midnight and made off with wax models of well known bloggers.

"He is a desperado," a police official told The Online Report today, after emphasizing that authorities had found no sane motive behind the thefts.

"Many of the stolen attractions included waxed characters from the National Association For The Advancement Of Free Speech On The Internet (NAAFSI), and the small figure of a Hasselblad camera once owned by photographer Annie Leibovitz," he said.

Museum Curator Phillip Van Doh issued a brief statement to The Online Report. "This has all the earmarks of a Thomas Churchwell caper."

The Museum has issued a plea for the return of the memorabilia.

Thomas Churchwell is a limber 89.

This story is a parody.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


By Samuel Eagle

New York - The Pulitzer Prize Committee announced today that The Breaking News blog, a satire and parody site, has been posthumously awarded the coveted prize for comedy journalism.

"This is a watershed moment for the Internet," said Augustus Braverton, spokesman for the Selection Committee. "We are very happy to back the Breaking News site (screenshot at left) for the ultimate journalism prize."

Before its grisly murder in November, the Breaking News parody blog was comprised of an international writing team that contributed news stories about hate blogger Thomas "Tarquin" Churchwell.

Learning of what he called, "this travesty," Churchwell lamented his failure to win the prestigious prize. On the bottom of blog lists for decades, he suggested Kokomo the gorilla would probably be awarded the prize next year. This sentiment was labeled as sour grapes by Braverton.

Braverton said, "The Breaking News writers spanned four corners of the Internet in an endless search for hysterical new stories. How could the Pulitzer Prize committee ignore such talent, skill and dedication?"

A list of other winners is expected to be announced later this week.

This story is a parody.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Thomas Churchwell Announces Engagement To Casey Anthony

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Queens, NY - Hate blogger Thomas Churchwell has announced his engagement to a Florida woman accused of killing her toddler, after they were matched on an Internet dating site.

Sources say the 'Liar King' blogger and Casey Anthony found they had much in common when they became pen pals. Churchwell has been prolific with a pen for years, though he now maintains that he is a psycho.

Casey Anthony entered a not guilty plea to charges she murdered her daughter, after repeatedly lying to investigators about the girl's whereabouts.

Liars In Love dating agency spokesman Colin McRobot said, "We never get it wrong. Casey and Churchy's profiles clicked, we wish them luck! They are both pathological liars and deserve each other!"

Since Churchwell is an ex-felon and Casey is a felon herself, the wedding is expected sooner rather than later. Reports that OJ Simpson will be the groom's best man could not be confirmed at press time.

This story is a parody.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Everything Must Go!

By Sam Eagle

With Thomas Churchwell's blog getting less traffic in the final hours of 2008 than ever before, he announced today that everything must be sold before the end of the year - and that means everything.

Today shoppers walked out with cheesy artwork, a battered copy of the Urban Dictionary, which lists Churchwell as a "backstabbing, crappy magician", plus shopping baskets filled with swastikas, and even the blog's header.

"When I clear my site of stock, I really clear it," said the eighty-two year old hate blogger. "Yesterday I sold the last of my ammo and porn. I'm running real low on shopping carts."

Shoppers are stocking up at Churchwell's Everything Must Go sale, even stripping his site of its sidebar and embedded spam. "I have a spam site over on Blogger," one shopper exclaimed. "I reckon this crap will look quite nice."

When asked about his hate posts, Churchwell moaned, “I'm selling my hate posts for a nickel a post, and I still have 10,000,000 left!"

This story is a parody.

Name Hall Of Shame

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

The term "crappy, backstabbing magician" is to be removed from the 2009 edition of the Urban Dictionary when referring to Thomas Churchwell. The new official term will be "Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler."

Churchwell is said to be relieved that the phrase "crappy, backstabbing magician" will be dropped, since rumors of his ever having been a magician were greatly exaggerated. The Urban Dictionary's editor said that while still appropriate, "crappy, backstabbing magician' was overshadowed this year by Churchwell's name being linked to censorship.

"We bandied several names around," said dictionary spokesman Charles Q. Wordsmith, "but we decided on 'Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler', since everyone knows who that means."

Other descriptions in the running included 'Liar King,' ''Misogynist Man,' 'Pickpocket who wants to be like Fagin,' and nicknames that already are familiar to the blogosphere: 'Tarball,' 'Upchurch,' and 'Churchhell.'

Meanwhile, the Turkish government is demanding that the word 'turkey' - used to describe a large poultry bird raised for food - be removed from the dictionary and replaced with 'Big Chicken - but more expensive'.

This story is a parody.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

'Psycho Santa Hitler' Arrives in Blogland

By Sammy Eagle

A character named 'Psycho Santa Hitler' has reared his ugly head on the Thomas Churchwell hate site, and most likely will not be there for very long.

The 'Psycho Santa Hitler' imposter has penned numerous blog posts in the disturbing style of a nazi and harassed bloggers of much greater note.

Such imposters are haters, said Professor Lee St. John of the University of London, who makes a habit of studying the characteristics of cyber criminals.

"The Thomas Churchwell site regularly promotes the banning of blogs and targets women for hate, so it is not surprising the author might take on the name of Hitler," Professor St. John explained. "I'm afraid this is another creation of Thomas Churchwell wishing to play nasty games with the public."

Contacted at her North Pole home, Clara Claus was outraged to learn of her husband's name being linked with Hitler. She said, "Of all the most disgusting chimeras ever to be spawned in the name of tyranny, this 'Psycho Santa Hitler' takes the biscuit!"

Editor's note: We cannot help feeling pity for a blogger who would resort to this. Perhaps he is frustrated with his low position on The Bloggers of Note list and wishes to take it out on successful bloggers (of greater note) who manage to stay on top without resorting to hate.

This story is a parody.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Churchwell To Shower In Israel

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Combining two odious posts from his hate site today, Thomas Churchwell announced that he will shower in Israel with the ghost of slain socialite and fashion writer Christa Worthington, who he briefly dated twenty years ago and still exploits on his blogs.

Churchwell says he has dreamed of this moment and can't wait for the thrill of soaping up in Jerusalem, hopefully before the new year.

Spokeswoman Lotta Poope said Churchwell will bring along a shower cap, cotton buds, and a photographer (of course!) to tape the momentous event, the first of its kind.

Tabloids will be covering the bizarre happening and Churchwell is said to be excited by all the attention. "I'm gonna be famous!" he cried.

This story is a parody.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Thomas Churchwell Releases 'Christmas' CD

By Sam 'Mistletoe' Eagle
Ubiquitous hate blogger Thomas Churchwell, pictured at left, is set to release a Christmas CD recorded in bluegrass style.

Teaming with the late Homer 'Banjo' Pickens and recording most of the album in the blue hills of Kentucky, Churchwell is planning to perform some of the classics but will create a few new titles on his own.

Churchwell's spokeswoman Lotta Poope told reporters, "After a couple of months down there, Thomas mellowed right out. His creative juices really began to flow!"

Covering old standards like "Jingle Bells" and "I Saw Mommy Riding Santa Claus," Churchwell will add four new original cuts to the album. Replacing the lyrics to "Sleigh Ride," Churchwell's version, titled "Slay Ride," is about a bearded blogger who slays sleigh riders while yodeling. The X-rated "Rudolph the Red-A**ed Reindeer" is not for the squeamish, and sure to be booed by young and old alike is "Frosty The Censor Man." Finally, "Have Myself A Merry Little Christmas" replaces wishes for yuletide sharing, with dreams of wiping out every blog on the Internet (except his own).

Poope said, "It's a different kind of holiday album, a bit off center, but so is Thomas! It's the perfect album to kick back with a tall glass of Bourbon and watch the lights blinking on the tree."

This story is a parody.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

World's Oldest Hater Dies

By Samuel Eagle

Washington- The world's oldest hater, according to the Guinness Book of Accurate Records, has died at age 104.

Clem Sickel had only recently become the world's oldest hater, after the death of Adolpho Ricardo Del Toreador at age 106 last month.

Assuming the new title will be habitual liar and lifelong hater Thomas Churchwell, 96, of Queens, New York.

Mr. Sickel defied the traditional picture of old age and looked even older (photo at left). In an interview given shortly before his death, he was asked how he retained his decrepit appearance.

"First and most important, NEVER do any exercise!" he screamed. "When you are born, you are given a set number of heartbeats. After they run out, you die. When you exercise, your heart beats faster and you use up all the beats.”

Also, he continued," I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. The tar that coats my lungs prevents the oxygen I breathe from rusting out my pipes.”

“Third, NEVER go outside. NEVER!"

“And, finally," he said, "hating the WORLD keeps my brain cells firing like rockets!”

Mr. Sickel's formula for longevity seems to defy everything we've been told, but who can say? He made it to 104...and, for a hater, that is really something.

This story is a parody.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Up Yours New Game: Cyber Stalker

By Samuel Eagle

Up Yours Games, the controversial game developer behind such titles as "Grand Theft Auto" and "Cyber Bully," has announced they are in the final stages of developing their new game, "Cyber Stalker."

"After the success of 'Cyber Bully,' 'Cyber Stalker' seemed like a natural fit," said company spokeswoman Julia Retting.

In the game, players first select a target from a list of the "Most Stalkable Women" provided by the editors of Rosy Palm Magazine. Alternately, players can choose to create their own target with special victimizer software, where players pick the right hair, body shape, and other features to create their ideal victim.

The player then embarks on many missions of increasing difficulty, from simple trolling missions to intimidation and threats.

Along with completing the missions, players are awarded points based on obsession level, degree of alienation of subject, and restraining orders accumulated.

Noted human rights activist Jack Goodman has filed a strong objection to the game's content. "This game is a training manual for criminal activity on the Web and should be banned from being published, distributed, or even publicized, in the interests of personal freedom and safety. I find this game shameful on every possible level."

Predictably, Retting replied, "Up Yours Games rejects the notion that our video games encourage crime. 'Cyber Stalker' provides a safe, consequence-free way for people to explore their stalking fantasies. Anyway, the license agreement for the game clears us of any liability."

When asked to comment on the 'Cyber Stalker' game, notorious cyber stalker Thomas Churchwell said: "Cool!"

This story is a parody.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Churchwell Disappointed At Being Passed Over For Movie Role

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Hollyweird, CA- After having had a tatted hand in the grisly murder of the Breaking News parody blog last month, Thomas Churchwell is disappointed at being passed over for the role of Thomas Churchwell in "Breaking News Blog: The Movie."

According to sources, Churchwell is crushed that he wasn't even asked to play the role that he immortalized.

"Father O'Reilly is the producer of this movie, and he happens to be one of my many, many victims," he said. "I once tried to censor a homily of his, so I was sure he would consider me for the part in the Breaking News movie! Frankly, I'm hurt."

Father O'Reilly sent the fallen blogger a letter of apology, stating that he had been a reader of the Breaking News blog since it was first published. "Turning it into a G-rated movie has been difficult." He assured Churchwell, long rumored to be on the wait list for an exorcism, that he had nothing to do with choosing the parts, or he definitely would have been considered to play himself.

Churchwell wrote back with a tear-stained note that said, "That's showbiz."

This story is a parody.

Friday, December 12, 2008

"Big Hater" Crown Stolen

By Sam Eagle

A 'Big Hater' crown awarded to Thomas Churchwell by the censorship site calling itself "Ban, Baby, Ban" was dramatically stolen last night.

The 'Liar King,' blogger was asleep at his computer around midnight, when someone crept into his apartment and stole his crown.

"One minute it was on my head, and the next it was gone!" Churchwell cried.

Freedom Of Speech spokeswoman Judi Hamilton said, "It is disgraceful that someone like him who obviously stokes the fires of censorship had any right to win a crown in the first place."

Snatch Magazine is offering a reward to anyone having information about the crown's whereabouts. The lucky person will receive a can of harvest gold paint.

This story is a parody.

Churchwell Sought By Goolag Police

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Thomas Churchwell, the controversial, heavy-chested cyber stalker, is being sought by members of the Goolag police, in connection with various offenses ranging from libel and threats, to falsely reporting a parody blog for TOS violations, to the less serious offense of performing a sexual act with a walnut.

The bombastic blogger, thought to be about 80, joined Goolag dot com two years ago, and 'stirred up a hornets nest' again this week by clashing swords with one of Goolag's most prolific censors, Herr Snuffy Kilborn.

The German-born censor was involved in the Breaking News parody blog murder, but after reading the blog, as it lay dying, he suddenly realized that he had been had - by Churchwell. And this, sources say, resulted in a frantic search to discover the true identity of the latter, with theories being wildly tossed around the Blogosphere.

Although the search has thus far proved fruitless, Truman Capote is the name on many lips, due to the lisping author having had the same initials as Churchwell. But literates have pointed out that Mr. Churchwell has no talent for writing. Said one, "After reading his posts, I wanted to flush them down the crapper."

Meanwhile, the search continues. Churchwell, who claims to be a magician, has been hiding out on his Wordpress hate site, obviously delighting in the mayhem he has caused.

If prosecuted, however, he faces being banned from both Goolag and Booger dot com, after undergoing a not insubstantial 'spanking punishment' from Herr Kilborn, which, doubtless, will keep him in blogging material for another decade.

This story is a parody.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Thomas Churchwell Shows Up At Google Totally Naked

By Sammy Eagle

New details are emerging about the murder of a parody blog and Thomas Churchwell's extreme efforts to see it slain.

The staff at Google rocked with laughter last week, as the opaque glass doors of the home office hissed open and in walked a naked elderly man.

The old man was no ordinary naked old man. It was hate blogger Thomas Churchwell - in the flesh, too. The first words out of his mouth were, "Where's that moron I sent the million emails to?"

Office intern Jason Nerdo, pictured above, pointed to a small office next to the water coooler. "Over there! His name is Lowman. By the way, big ass!"

"Who? Me or him?"

"Well, both I guess!"

The angry Churchwell jiggled the few yards and slammed the door behind him. The shocked, young executive stood and was so flustered, he offered his computer's mouse in lieu of a handshake.

Churchwell immediately unloaded at the stupified young man. "OK, Lowman. That Breaking News blog. I am the first to admit that I love reading about myself, but I hate women! I want them off the Internet! Doesn't anyone here share my hatred of women?"

"Uh... it's a parody blog. I didn't take it seriously," countered Lowman cautiously. "Look, people don't even take Google seriously."

The office intern cracked open the door. "You might try emailing Snuffy Kilborn," he told the fuming Churchwell. "He's one of our censors."

Lowman said, "By the way, big ass!"

This story is a parody.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Suspect Says He Was Under Orders from 'The Special One'

By Sam Eagle

A programmer at Booger dot com tried to kill the Breaking News parody blog and admitted that he was obeying orders from a crazed blogger known as 'The Special One,' according to a police statement issued today:

"At first the suspect wept and told us that this 'Special One' would deal with him severely if he said anything. We had to read Thomas Churchwell's blog to him over and over again to get him to crack. What he had to say was of great interest to us."

It emerged that the suspect, whose screen name is 'boofromboise', received more than a thousand emails from 'The Special One' last summer, insisting that he destroy the Breaking News parody blog. When the suspect politely asked him to stop writing him, he was taken via a web cam to a dim, underground site, then left alone with 'The Special One' who sat on a yellow throne.

"I never saw his face. All I could see were crusty tattooed fingers on the arm of the throne. He said "Hiya, dummy, I've been expecting you."

'The Special One' then proceeded to outline his plan for killing the Breaking News parody blog, which included "anonymous threats and lying his head off to Goolag dot com and to Booger dot com." He implied that if the suspect didn't follow his orders, there would be hell to pay.

"He said I'd be sorry. What did he mean, you ask? I don't know! I assumed he would do to me whatever he was doing to the author of that blog. Anyway, I didn't get the job done and now I'm in deep trouble." Unaware that the Breaking News blog was slain last November, his teeth began to chatter. "This 'Special One' said laws were for suckers. He whined a lot, and he had an immense hatred of ladies! He mentioned something about world blog domination - I can't remember all of what he said...I was paralyzed with fear."

Police say the suspect refused to reveal more and begged to be locked in a prison for his own safety.

When asked by reporters if he had invented the 'Special One' story, he shook his head and said earnestly: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn't exist."

This story is a parody.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Blogosphere Reeling Over Report

By Samuel Eagle

In a stunning statement today, a nineteen-year-old censor at Goolag dot com announced: "I have looked at all available evidence and have come to the conclusion that Thomas Churchwell is a victim of the free press. There is no evidence that he committed a dozen TOS violations, or even that he ever blogged. It was all invented by fee-males who are trying to ruin men!"

Snuffy Kilborn, a graduate of the Heil H Academy, went on to say, "A free press is a dangerous thing when it interferes with a guy doing what a guy wants to do. I have known since puberty that fee-male blogging communities are run by freedom loving revolutionaries who want to wipe out cyber bullies above all else!" Fingering a pustule on his chin, the young censor sputtered, "I recommend that all blogs be state controlled, and blogs written by fee-males be censored by Team Goolag!"

Mr. Churchwell, seen blogging hate in an Internet cafe, said happily, "Everything Snuffy said is correct. Women who blog should be brought under state control in all countries. It is the only way I'll ever get any peace!"

Proclaiming in recent essays that he is a psycho, Churchwell added, "Getting Snuff to clear me was a long process and the closest I ever came to having a real job. My one million emails to him worked!"

Herr Kilborn's mother issued a statement of her own: "Can Snuffy resign now, please?"

This story is a parody. Snuffy Kilborn is completely fictitious.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Blogger Named Magazine's 'Hunter Of The Year'

By Sam Eagle III

It's not all bad news for hate blogger Thomas Churchwell. Having been accused by human rights groups of repeated acts of cruelty against women, Women Are Dumb C**TS Magazine has named him Hunter of the Year.

"We just had to give him the award," said Bick Pummel, editor of Women Are Dumb C**TS Magazine. "Thomas has distinguished himself not only as a cyber bully and liar, but as a very experienced hunter."

Pummel explained that although blogs are not designed as lethal weapons, the 'hate blog' has nevertheless proven itself as an instrument of destruction, and therefore is technically considered a missile. Churchwell, he stated, has published hate for years and was "hungry like a wolf," when he wrote false complaints to Google, resulting in the murder of an innocent parody blog.

"We had to classify Churchwell under the terror category for obvious reasons," said Pummel. "But if this catches on with other haters, we may just have to open a whole new category for hunting women."

This story is a parody.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Angelina Jolie Adopts Thomas Churchwell

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

UN Very Special Envoy, Hollywood Star, and Compulsive Adopter Angelina Jolie is en route to New York to adopt Thomas Churchwell, star of countless hate blogs.

Jolie, interviewed in war-ravaged Darfur, said, "I need to go where I am truly needed. Thomas has suffered a crushing blow - the realization that no matter how well he acts the role of respectability now, his writings of indescribable hate and cruelty will be circling the web forever."

Actor Brad Pitt, who accompanied Jolie to Darfur, piped up, "I just hope our newest son doesn't grab an Oscar nod for best actor this year. Talk about competition!"

Serene Angelina, whose name means "little angel," said, "These Darfurians are fine now, at least the ones I have adopted. My work here is done."

The sun-kissed Pitts drove away, as the clouds parted and angel matter descended amid blinding light and overly dramatic trumpets.

Jolie is expected in New York within hours. Sources say Churchwell is excited about his adoption.

Back in Darfur, the angel matter was very good with mustard. "Tastes like potato chips," said a tribal elder through a spokesperson.

This story is a parody.

Blogosphere Attacked By Thousands of Satirists

By Sam Eagle III

The Blogosphere is teaming today with thousands of satirists waving signs that read, "Freedom of Speech Is Guaranteed Under The First Amendment!"

A spokesman for the cyber hate group Ban, Baby, Ban said: "There is now a war on satire, and we intend to win it. OK, we'll lose it, but at least we can say that we're winning it.'

Americans almost invented satire in modern times, with such geniuses as Mark Twain, and now the Blogosphere is teeming with writers determined to expose hate bloggers, and other abuses.

Cyber haters are angry. One hater, pausing for a moment after he accidentally deleted his own blog, said, "Satire is an abomination!"

There will be a Jerry Springer special later this week, when the haters are expected to shout obscenities and wave censorship signs on TV.

This story is a parody.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Innocent Parody Blog Viciously Attacked

By Sam Eagle

An innocent, defenseless parody blog has been viciously attacked and reportedly is near death.

The Breaking News blog, a law-abiding parody and satire blog, was spotted curled up and gasping for air in a park.

"I saw this object in the corner of the park," said the park supervisor, "and it was gasping. I could hear sobs. I couldn't see anything and was about to walk away when, out the corner of my eye, I noticed a little computer screen. It had eyes and a mouth and all, and it was crying."

The harrowing ordeal is thought to have occurred two weeks ago. A forensic expert on the scene told the Online Report, "The blog had all the characteristics of having been viciously libeled and beaten up. Early indications show that it was the work of a cyber bully."

Sources say that the prime suspect in the attack is blogger Thomas Churchwell, who publicly expressed a keen liking for the Breaking News blog, but who has written much hate about it.

The blog was ashen, but was brave enough to give us a comment.

"All I want to do is to help make blogging a safe experience for women," said the blog. "The general climate on the Web is awful to women. There's too much bullying and libel and hate sanctioned by blogging hosts like Google who look the other way. It's little wonder there are monsters who would do this."

The blog, only 8 months old, has a very good point.

This story is a parody.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Cat Alleged To Be Channeling Thomas Churchwell

By Sam 'Catnip' Eagle

Brememhoff, Germany- A cat is believed to be channeling the mind of notorious cyber bully Thomas Churchwell. Suspicions began when the cat randomly attacked bloggers in an Internet cafe.

"Coming from a cat, it seemed as if everything was fine, but after a while it got worse" said the cafe manager.

Suspicions grew when the cat somehow managed to scratch death threats on a table.

"At that point it was a bit scary, but very interesting," said the manager, who wished to remain nameless. "I started doing some experiments to see what was going on in the cat's mind."

When the cat was shown blogs written by women, it jumped at the computer monitor and ripped it apart, yet was very obedient when shown pictures of felons.

"At that point I decided to bring in a cat mind reader," said the cafe manager.

He brought in OJ Simpson.

"It was my pleasure," said Simpson. "Hopefully, this will cleanse my reputation! I didn't mean for that book I wrote about Nicole's murder to be a confession! I just happened to read the mind of the real killer!"

Simpson found out that the cat was channeling the mind of none other than Thomas Churchwell.

"Finding it out was amazing" Simpson recalled. "Mind blowing!"

Sources say Churchwell and the cat, named Hess, are scheduled to tour the US in the next couple of weeks.

This story is a parody.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Cyber Bully Thomas Churchwell Puts His Prized Keyboard Up For Auction

By Sam Eagle III

The keyboard Thomas "fingers" Churchwell used this year to type defamation about dozens of women has been put up for auction on the Internet site Ebay, it was revealed today.

Nauseous Ebay bidders were not exactly clamoring to place bids on this unusual item. The bidding was at three dollars this afternoon.

But sources say the bidding between two convicts at Leavenworth and the rap artist Down In The Dirty may become very fierce, before bidding closes.

Down In The Dirty said, "Only one keyboard? I'd go through twenty a day, if it was me. I could never resist anything that is sticky."

Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Thomas would just cuddle that keyboard at night, but he needed the cash and being a cyber bully ain't that cheap these days."

This story is a parody.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Churchwell Denies Affair With Ghost

By Sam Eagle

Thomas Churchwell, taking a short break from hate blogging, has denied rumors that he had an affair with Casper the Ghost. "I adamantly deny that I have ever had anything to do with Casper in anything other than a paranormal experience!" Churchwell said.

According to Churchwell, "The other day I was using the bathroom in a gas station, where a woman was ranting about my blog. Being in the back, I couldn't hear very well. I thought she was finished, when she said, "Has anyone here ever seen a ghost, touched a ghost, or had sex with a ghost?" I opened the bathroom door and raised my hand. See, I thought she said goat."

Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Sometimes Thomas is hard of hearing, but he has never had any sort of physical relationship with Casper the Ghost; in Queens that is considered taboo."

This story is a parody filed under the truth is stranger than fiction department.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Thomas Churchwell Moving To Africa

By The Eagles

Washington announced today that the controversial singer Michael Jackson has been appointed Secretary of State in President-elect Barack Obama's cabinet.

Press correspondents thought it was a typo error; however, White House officials confirmed that the 'King of Pop' will be taking up the most senior position in power next to the Chief Executive.

Most senior Washington elites were flabbergasted at the announcement.

Obama's new chief of staff, who wished to be nameless, said Jackson will be an asset to the upper echelons of government power. "CHANGE is what this administration is about," he reminded reporters. "Besides, Michael's moonwalking dance will astound any world leader."

Rumors have been swirling about what role infamous blogger Thomas Tarquin Churchwell will play in the senior diplomatic service. A government official said Churchwell has been appointed a mediator in the battle between the Tootseys and Hutoos in the African Congo.

"I've been packing all day," Churchwell told The Online Report.

This story is a parody.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Thomas Churchwell To Paint The White House

By Samuel Eagle

Washington, DC - Barack Obama, the first half-black man to be elected President of the United States, already has made the first momentous decision of his Presidency by ordering 28 trillion cans of black paint to redecorate the White House.

The White House has been painted white since 1792, but Mr. Obama's wife, Michelle, feels that to mark this important moment in history, change is needed, so the House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will truly become black.

Painting work has already begun. According to sources, one of the painters is none other than ubiquitous hate blogger Thomas Tarquin Churchwell.

A special candlelight ceremony, commemorating the official opening of the Black House, is to be held on December 24th. The President and Vice President Joe Biden, backed by a choir of Democrats, will sing, "I'm Dreaming Of A Black Christmas."


This story is a parody.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Comedian To Write "Commencement Day" Address

By Sammy Eagle

After 27 false starts, 28 failed drafts and "more than a bucketful of vomit resulting from Susan Newton's recent meltdown" Thomas Tarquin Churchwell finally threw up his hands, phoned Jay Leno and asked the late night comedian if HE could write his Blog Commencement Day Address.

Sources say that Leno and his team of writers accepted the challenge and are now noses to the grindstone perfecting Thomas Tarquin Churchwell's Blog Commencement Day Address, to be delivered by Leno himself on the Breaking News parody blog.

Initial drafts written by Churchwell included promises to stop blogging IMMEDIATELY while simultaneously vowing to blog FOREVER.

"I got confused. I just could NOT get the whole commencement thing to gel," Churchwell told reporters. "After the 28th draft, I gave up! That's when I remembered Jay Leno's team used to write goodbye speeches, so I had my new custodian give Jay a ring."

Leno, speaking with reporters, said, "This one's going to be a total riot, folks. I suggest you don't miss TIVO'ing it."

Bloggers are expressing JOY, but Churchwell says he's open to taking a few jabs, as long as Mr. Leno tries to convince everyone that Churchwell is a misunderstood artist never meaning any harm.

All of Blogland is invited to attend.

Editor's note: The Breaking News blog was slain, before commencement ceremonies could take place.

Mr. Churchwell does not know Jay Leno.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Thomas Tarquin Churchwell Disappears

By Sam Eagle

D-List magician Thomas Churchwell has performed the most astonishing magic trick of his life: he made himself disappear.

The ubiquitous hate blogger vanished in Queens during a Spam dinner party two nights ago and has not been seen since. Forensic magicians and the cast of CSI Rockaway Beach believe Churchwell de-materialized in Queens and re-materialized in a padded cell at Bellevue Hospital, outside the jurisdiction of the law.

Sources say Churchwell has been angry since being ordered to vacate his government-subsidized apartment in May. An Order To Vacate was handed down by the Queens County Housing Court, but has not been enforced.

A wannabe magic headliner, Churchwell has been seeking out attractive young women with blogs, inviting them to be his friend, and repaying them with libel. This nasty little trick requires no magic, just hate and a full-blown psychosis.

During his tricky career, Thomas Churchwell made many things, such as the wallets of unsuspecting patrons in bars, disappear before their very eyes. And now, with his sanity and freedom in jeopardy, he has performed the ultimate disappearing magic trick. He made himself disappear.

This story is a parody. Mr. Churchwell has not disappeared.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Thomas Churchwell, 75, To Wed 21-year-old Ex-Stripper

By F Scott Eagle

In another example of old man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Thomas "Boom Boom" Churchwell, of Queens, New York is set to wed 21-year-old Britney Implantz, of Queens, next month. It's a stunning reversal for Churchwell, who has been holed up in the one-room apartment he refused to vacate after being served with eviction papers last May.

Mr Churchwell is a former D-List magician and Ms Implantz is a former stripper.

"It's a perfect match," Churchwell wheezed at reporters. "I'm a dirty old man and she's a hot young moron!"

The couple has scheduled a 5-day honeymoon in Hawaii and say they plan on having lots of scorching sex in a volcano. When the 75-year-old Churchwell was asked about the age difference, the danger of having sex in a volcano, and the risk of death on the honeymoon, he shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Thomas Churchwell Hires New Publicist

By Sam Eagle

High powered Queens, New York publicist, Lotta Poope, announced today that she is the new spokesperson for Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, and Thomas "Boom Boom" Crimewell.

Churchwell recently fired his long time publicist, Satan, for not getting him enough publicity.

Poope said, "I am pleased to represent Boom Boom and speak with forked tongue. We have lots of plans for him, including a horror movie deal, appearances on America's Most Wanted and possibly a reality show. And we plan to follow his eviction as it evolves. You'll be seeing and hearing a lot more about that. He's out!"

In addition to Churchwell, the Poope PR firm also represents Hollywood starlets and a long list of cyber criminals. The PR firm's motto is, "You sin, we spin".

Churchwell could not be reached for comment, as he is currently hiding out in his room. Sources say that he will be out, when his eviction from SUS is enforced in 2052.

This story is parody.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Churchwell Released From Prison

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

May 18, 2018. A New York judge has ordered the release of Thomas Tarquin Churchwell from prison. Churchwell, pictured at left, was serving a life sentence after he was convicted of 686,000 counts of libel against men, women and children almost 10 years ago.

The ruling has sparked outrage from bloggers. The surviving family members of those libeled by Churchwell were disgusted upon hearing the news.

His Honor Judge Apaul Cruckshank fought off criticism and defended his decision. "If you don't like what I said, then you can just write letters to Google."

And thousands will be writing if Churchwell goes on another spree. The Judge, however, did reveal a condition of Churchwell's release to serve as a checks-and-balances approach to curb his criminal tendencies.

Churchwell is to be chained to mobster Tony Soprano, who himself was given the gift of unsupervised visits away from a prison that he has called home for the past decade. In 2007 Soprano was convicted of racketeering. A fan-based jury found him not guilty of orchestrating dozens of heinous murders.

"The two will keep a good eye on each other," said Judge Cruckshank. "They promise to be good."

So, at 5AM this morning the two court-ordered conjoined twins were dropped off at an undisclosed location near Queens with some basic supplies as directed by the Judge.

Churchwell was given a cordless PC mouse for self-protection. Soprano was given a gun and a large bag of cement.

Judge Cruckshank released himself to his chambers where he poured a stiff drink and turned on the evening news.

This story is obviously a parody.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Threats Against Female Blogger Spark Debate About Misogyny Online

By All For a Hate-Free Internet

Turning from the lighthearted to the serious, Ms. Scarlett, a prominent blogger, says she suddenly canceled a talk she was supposed to give about photography because of specific, sexually graphic threats posted by blogger, Tarquin Churchwell. Her remarks have sparked a debate online about whether women are targets of online hate and threats simply because of their gender.

"Churchwell has attacked me for more than a year. He often says on his blog that it's the other way around, but this is a lie. He recently threatened to come to my town and stop me," Scarlett said.

Her blog is hardly controversial – she has spent much of the past year defending her reputation against Mr. Churchwell's libel. She knows that he has attacked other women online.

"It's this culture of attacking women that has got to stop. I really don’t care if you come after me. I take those attacks in stride," says a long time male blogger. "But, whenever I post a video of a female there invariably are snide remarks about body parts and other things that wouldn’t happen if the interviewee were a man. It makes me realize just how acerbic the Internet is toward women."

Blogger Nan Delano agrees. "These are all vicious attacks on her - as a woman. Yes, anyone who has a point of view and expresses it in print will get disagreements. I've had them here. But death and sexual threats? These are beyond the pale. Writing that she is a thief and pornographer is appalling. "

Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh concurs that misogyny grows wild on the Web, particularly among society's misfits. "Attitudes toward women have improved dramatically just in my lifetime, but the world still has too many misogynists, and the Web has given them a microphone that lets them turn up the volume on their quavering selves, their self-righteous fury, their self-loathing expressed as hatred of women," she said.

In a response to Scarlett's comments, Mr. Churchwell says, "I hate her," adding, "No one believes me, when I write that she's a child porno writer" on his blogs. "It's just an outlet for my hate and it gives me something to do. I'm sure I'll be explaining for years to come why I am obsessed with stealing and child pornography!"

The debate over Churchwell's online misogyny toward Scarlett have made her one of the most championed bloggers. Many of her fellow bloggers have come to her defense, questioning the limits of free speech in the blogosphere. "What Scarlett is putting up with is unacceptable, and I'm frankly sickened at what she has had to go through. It is totally unacceptable to attack a woman sexually and to make threats. Period," David Giffen blogs.

Many say the incidents raise questions about what should be tolerated online. "It certainly raises questions about sexual equality on the web - as Scarlett correctly points out if she were a man, the threats would not have been sexual in nature. But it is wrong that society's losers can do this to someone," says another blogger.

Some are calling for a bloggers bill of rights to encourage good conduct. But whether even that would work remains to be seen. "People like Thomas Churchwell feel the law doesn't apply to them," says Mr. Giffen.

Many bloggers hope that Mr. Churchwell's impending eviction from the quasi-mental facility where he has lived for a number of years, will signal the end of his attacks on women online.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Churchwell Posts Laced With Poison

By Sam Eagle

Child pornography obsessor, Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, has posted sexual slurs against another blogger, The Online Report learned today.

A source, who asked not to be identified, said Churchwell has mental problems. "He wants to drag other bloggers into his sick games."

According to published reports, Mr. Churchwell lives in a group home for the mentally ill. He has been unemployed for the past ten years.

One ongoing target is Ms. Scarlett, who Churchwell describes as a blogging rival. Records dating back to 2006 chronicle Mr. Churchwell stalking the blogger, trying to drive her off the Internet with threats, and publishing degrading libel about her. The Online Report uncovered numerous posts in which Churchwell called the blogger a "child porno writer." Today, he reportedly called her a "rejected online prostitute" and "old pornographic sister."

His rambling rants are lies, friends say. "Not only is Scarlett respected in the community, she is a very strong person with a definite moral compass. People should know that she's a young godmother, loyal friend, hard worker and member of the church."

A long time blogger summed it up this way, "Churchwell is sick. He won't leave her alone."

Insiders agree Churchwell is delusional and appears to be on a downward spiral. Said one, "Thomas hates women."

There was no word yet whether Mr. Churchwell will resume therapy.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The Name Game

By Sam Eagle

World famous hate blogger, Tarquin Thomas Churchwell, also known to his legion of cyber victims as Thomas Churchwell, The Amazing Tarquin, Photoartist 6, Tommy Boy, etc, announced today that he is dropping all of his 48 screen names.

"He wants to ditch 'em and start fresh," said a source in the Churchwell camp, who wore a stocking over his face for this interview.

The teaser announcement came as reports surfaced of Churchwell publishing dozens of libel rants in which he accused a blogger of writing pornography. Noting that his recent writings have contained more vitriol than usual, sources speculate Churchwell wanted to go out with a bang before shedding his tarnished names.

When asked if he had chosen a new screen alias, Churchwell reportedly said, "You'll have to ask my ex-girlfriend Miss Nipples about that."

This story is a parody. Mr. Churchwell has only 42 names.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Tarquin Churchwell to Release The Sexergate Papers

By Sam Eagle

Chronic phone sex obsessor, Thomas Tarquin Churchwell, announced today that he will release the "Sexergate Papers."

Churchwell's publicist, wearing an orange prison jumpsuit, agreed to be interviewed on the condition that his identity not be revealed. "You can call me Deepest Throat," he croaked.

Deepest Throat confirmed that Churchwell is set to release the Sexergate Papers. "Tarquin is pounding on his computer day and night," he told The Online Report.

Sources close to the investigation say the first of the Sexergate transcripts will be published online this week.

Reaction in Blog Land has been wildly mixed, ranging from cheers of excitement to moaning and yawns.

Mr. Churchwell does not have a publicist who wears an orange prison jumpsuit.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Tarquin Churchwell Slams Another Blogger

by Sam Eagle

As if cyberspace wasn't creepy enough, ubiquitous blogger Tarquin Churchwell, has been posting lies about another blogger's age. 

The bewildered target of Mr. Churchwell's rants is Ms. Scarlett, who Churchwell has been calling a "wrinkled old hag" and "life sucking sap"

Scarlett released a statement through her spokesperson, saying: "What I should be doing is celebrating the holiday season with the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with Tarquin's malicious lies. I know how young I am, and so do my friends and family. And like all women my age, I love being thirty-something."

When asked to comment on his latest brush with libel, the feeble Churchwell (reports have listed his age as anywhere between 60 and 89) cried, "I hate women!"