Angelina Jolie Adopts Thomas Churchwell

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

UN Very Special Envoy, Hollywood Star, and Compulsive Adopter Angelina Jolie is en route to New York to adopt Thomas Churchwell, star of countless hate blogs.

Jolie, interviewed in war-ravaged Darfur, said, "I need to go where I am truly needed. Thomas has suffered a crushing blow - the realization that no matter how well he acts the role of respectability now, his writings of indescribable hate and cruelty will be circling the web forever."

Actor Brad Pitt, who accompanied Jolie to Darfur, piped up, "I just hope our newest son doesn't grab an Oscar nod for best actor this year. Talk about competition!"

Serene Angelina, whose name means "little angel," said, "These Darfurians are fine now, at least the ones I have adopted. My work here is done."

The sun-kissed Pitts drove away, as the clouds parted and angel matter descended amid blinding light and overly dramatic trumpets.

Jolie is expected in New York within hours. Sources say Churchwell is excited about his adoption.

Back in Darfur, the angel matter was very good with mustard. "Tastes like potato chips," said a tribal elder through a spokesperson.

This story is a parody.

Blogosphere Attacked By Thousands of Satirists

By Sam Eagle III

The Blogosphere is teaming today with thousands of satirists waving signs that read, "Freedom of Speech Is Guaranteed Under The First Amendment!"

A spokesman for the cyber hate group Ban, Baby, Ban said: "There is now a war on satire, and we intend to win it. OK, we'll lose it, but at least we can say that we're winning it.'

Americans almost invented satire in modern times, with such geniuses as Mark Twain, and now the Blogosphere is teeming with writers determined to expose hate bloggers, and other abuses.

Cyber haters are angry. One hater, pausing for a moment after he accidentally deleted his own blog, said, "Satire is an abomination!"

There will be a Jerry Springer special later this week, when the haters are expected to shout obscenities and wave censorship signs on TV.

This story is a parody.