Thomas Churchwell Rushed To Hospital

By Sammy Eagle

Thomas Churchwell is in the news again, for crying out loud. Sources confirm the long time hate blogger was rushed to the hospital today.

Churchwell, who has been embroiled in controversy over online threats he made to murder Scarlett, a prominent blogger, was operated on to pry his fingers from his computer.

"It was a close call. Thomas was suffering from hate finger syndrome. We were able to operate on him, and probably saved the blogosphere," said ear, nose and finger surgeon, Ken Banish. "He might recover if he wears mittens from now on."

Cyber security expert John Truman said, "This has become a real problem for the blogosphere. In such an anonymous climate, where a blogger like Thomas Churchwell doesn't stick to the rules of common decency, he can get into real trouble. His death threats put him way out in front of other haters and that led to an acute attack of the syndrome."

Mr. Churchwell is resting comfortably in prison. Dr. Banish noted that gangrene of the fingers is always a possibility in cases like these. He added the prisoner's jaw has been wired shut, until he regains his self control.

Cops Hunt Thomas Churchwell After Bloggers Vanish

By Sam Eagle

Hate site blogger Thomas 'Tarquin' Churchwell, pictured at left, is being sought by cops after hundreds of wax figurines vanished from the National Waxed Museum in Queens County, New York.

Police sources said Churchwell was caught by surveillance cameras, as he burst into the museum after midnight and made off with wax models of well known bloggers.

"He is a desperado," a police official told The Online Report today, after emphasizing that authorities had found no sane motive behind the thefts.

"Many of the stolen attractions included waxed characters from the National Association For The Advancement Of Free Speech On The Internet (NAAFSI), and the small figure of a Hasselblad camera once owned by photographer Annie Leibovitz," he said.

Museum Curator Phillip Van Doh issued a brief statement to The Online Report. "This has all the earmarks of a Thomas Churchwell caper."

The Museum has issued a plea for the return of the memorabilia.

Thomas Churchwell is a limber 89.

This story is a parody.

BREAKING NEWS BLOG WINS PULITZER PRIZE

By Samuel Eagle

New York - The Pulitzer Prize Committee announced today that The Breaking News blog, a satire and parody site, has been posthumously awarded the coveted prize for comedy journalism.

"This is a watershed moment for the Internet," said Augustus Braverton, spokesman for the Selection Committee. "We are very happy to back the Breaking News site (screenshot at left) for the ultimate journalism prize."

Before its grisly murder in November, the Breaking News parody blog was comprised of an international writing team that contributed news stories about hate blogger Thomas "Tarquin" Churchwell.

Learning of what he called, "this travesty," Churchwell lamented his failure to win the prestigious prize. On the bottom of blog lists for decades, he suggested Kokomo the gorilla would probably be awarded the prize next year. This sentiment was labeled as sour grapes by Braverton.

Braverton said, "The Breaking News writers spanned four corners of the Internet in an endless search for hysterical new stories. How could the Pulitzer Prize committee ignore such talent, skill and dedication?"

A list of other winners is expected to be announced later this week.

This story is a parody.

Thomas Churchwell Announces Engagement To Casey Anthony

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Queens, NY - Hate blogger Thomas Churchwell has announced his engagement to a Florida woman accused of killing her toddler, after they were matched on an Internet dating site.

Sources say the 'Liar King' blogger and Casey Anthony found they had much in common when they became pen pals. Churchwell has been prolific with a pen for years, though he now maintains that he is a psycho.

Casey Anthony entered a not guilty plea to charges she murdered her daughter, after repeatedly lying to investigators about the girl's whereabouts.

Liars In Love dating agency spokesman Colin McRobot said, "We never get it wrong. Casey and Churchy's profiles clicked, we wish them luck! They are both pathological liars and deserve each other!"

Since Churchwell is an ex-felon and Casey is a felon herself, the wedding is expected sooner rather than later. Reports that OJ Simpson will be the groom's best man could not be confirmed at press time.

This story is a parody.