Everything Must Go!

By Sam Eagle

With Thomas Churchwell's blog getting less traffic in the final hours of 2008 than ever before, he announced today that everything must be sold before the end of the year - and that means everything.

Today shoppers walked out with cheesy artwork, a battered copy of the Urban Dictionary, which lists Churchwell as a "backstabbing, crappy magician", plus shopping baskets filled with swastikas, and even the blog's header.

"When I clear my site of stock, I really clear it," said the eighty-two year old hate blogger. "Yesterday I sold the last of my ammo and porn. I'm running real low on shopping carts."

Shoppers are stocking up at Churchwell's Everything Must Go sale, even stripping his site of its sidebar and embedded spam. "I have a spam site over on Blogger," one shopper exclaimed. "I reckon this crap will look quite nice."

When asked about his hate posts, Churchwell moaned, “I'm selling my hate posts for a nickel a post, and I still have 10,000,000 left!"

This story is a parody.

Name Hall Of Shame

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

The term "crappy, backstabbing magician" is to be removed from the 2009 edition of the Urban Dictionary when referring to Thomas Churchwell. The new official term will be "Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler."

Churchwell is said to be relieved that the phrase "crappy, backstabbing magician" will be dropped, since rumors of his ever having been a magician were greatly exaggerated. The Urban Dictionary's editor said that while still appropriate, "crappy, backstabbing magician' was overshadowed this year by Churchwell's name being linked to censorship.

"We bandied several names around," said dictionary spokesman Charles Q. Wordsmith, "but we decided on 'Censorship fiend who wants to be like Hitler', since everyone knows who that means."

Other descriptions in the running included 'Liar King,' ''Misogynist Man,' 'Pickpocket who wants to be like Fagin,' and nicknames that already are familiar to the blogosphere: 'Tarball,' 'Upchurch,' and 'Churchhell.'

Meanwhile, the Turkish government is demanding that the word 'turkey' - used to describe a large poultry bird raised for food - be removed from the dictionary and replaced with 'Big Chicken - but more expensive'.

This story is a parody.

'Psycho Santa Hitler' Arrives in Blogland

By Sammy Eagle

A character named 'Psycho Santa Hitler' has reared his ugly head on the Thomas Churchwell hate site, and most likely will not be there for very long.

The 'Psycho Santa Hitler' imposter has penned numerous blog posts in the disturbing style of a nazi and harassed bloggers of much greater note.

Such imposters are haters, said Professor Lee St. John of the University of London, who makes a habit of studying the characteristics of cyber criminals.

"The Thomas Churchwell site regularly promotes the banning of blogs and targets women for hate, so it is not surprising the author might take on the name of Hitler," Professor St. John explained. "I'm afraid this is another creation of Thomas Churchwell wishing to play nasty games with the public."

Contacted at her North Pole home, Clara Claus was outraged to learn of her husband's name being linked with Hitler. She said, "Of all the most disgusting chimeras ever to be spawned in the name of tyranny, this 'Psycho Santa Hitler' takes the biscuit!"

Editor's note: We cannot help feeling pity for a blogger who would resort to this. Perhaps he is frustrated with his low position on The Bloggers of Note list and wishes to take it out on successful bloggers (of greater note) who manage to stay on top without resorting to hate.

This story is a parody.

Churchwell To Shower In Israel

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Combining two odious posts from his hate site today, Thomas Churchwell announced that he will shower in Israel with the ghost of slain socialite and fashion writer Christa Worthington, who he briefly dated twenty years ago and still exploits on his blogs.

Churchwell says he has dreamed of this moment and can't wait for the thrill of soaping up in Jerusalem, hopefully before the new year.

Spokeswoman Lotta Poope said Churchwell will bring along a shower cap, cotton buds, and a photographer (of course!) to tape the momentous event, the first of its kind.

Tabloids will be covering the bizarre happening and Churchwell is said to be excited by all the attention. "I'm gonna be famous!" he cried.

This story is a parody.

Thomas Churchwell Releases 'Christmas' CD

By Sam 'Mistletoe' Eagle
Ubiquitous hate blogger Thomas Churchwell, pictured at left, is set to release a Christmas CD recorded in bluegrass style.

Teaming with the late Homer 'Banjo' Pickens and recording most of the album in the blue hills of Kentucky, Churchwell is planning to perform some of the classics but will create a few new titles on his own.

Churchwell's spokeswoman Lotta Poope told reporters, "After a couple of months down there, Thomas mellowed right out. His creative juices really began to flow!"

Covering old standards like "Jingle Bells" and "I Saw Mommy Riding Santa Claus," Churchwell will add four new original cuts to the album. Replacing the lyrics to "Sleigh Ride," Churchwell's version, titled "Slay Ride," is about a bearded blogger who slays sleigh riders while yodeling. The X-rated "Rudolph the Red-A**ed Reindeer" is not for the squeamish, and sure to be booed by young and old alike is "Frosty The Censor Man." Finally, "Have Myself A Merry Little Christmas" replaces wishes for yuletide sharing, with dreams of wiping out every blog on the Internet (except his own).

Poope said, "It's a different kind of holiday album, a bit off center, but so is Thomas! It's the perfect album to kick back with a tall glass of Bourbon and watch the lights blinking on the tree."

This story is a parody.

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World's Oldest Hater Dies

By Samuel Eagle

Washington- The world's oldest hater, according to the Guinness Book of Accurate Records, has died at age 104.

Clem Sickel had only recently become the world's oldest hater, after the death of Adolpho Ricardo Del Toreador at age 106 last month.

Assuming the new title will be habitual liar and lifelong hater Thomas Churchwell, 96, of Queens, New York.

Mr. Sickel defied the traditional picture of old age and looked even older (photo at left). In an interview given shortly before his death, he was asked how he retained his decrepit appearance.

"First and most important, NEVER do any exercise!" he screamed. "When you are born, you are given a set number of heartbeats. After they run out, you die. When you exercise, your heart beats faster and you use up all the beats.”

Also, he continued," I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. The tar that coats my lungs prevents the oxygen I breathe from rusting out my pipes.”

“Third, NEVER go outside. NEVER!"

“And, finally," he said, "hating the WORLD keeps my brain cells firing like rockets!”

Mr. Sickel's formula for longevity seems to defy everything we've been told, but who can say? He made it to 104...and, for a hater, that is really something.

This story is a parody.

Up Yours New Game: Cyber Stalker

By Samuel Eagle

Up Yours Games, the controversial game developer behind such titles as "Grand Theft Auto" and "Cyber Bully," has announced they are in the final stages of developing their new game, "Cyber Stalker."

"After the success of 'Cyber Bully,' 'Cyber Stalker' seemed like a natural fit," said company spokeswoman Julia Retting.

In the game, players first select a target from a list of the "Most Stalkable Women" provided by the editors of Rosy Palm Magazine. Alternately, players can choose to create their own target with special victimizer software, where players pick the right hair, body shape, and other features to create their ideal victim.

The player then embarks on many missions of increasing difficulty, from simple trolling missions to intimidation and threats.

Along with completing the missions, players are awarded points based on obsession level, degree of alienation of subject, and restraining orders accumulated.

Noted human rights activist Jack Goodman has filed a strong objection to the game's content. "This game is a training manual for criminal activity on the Web and should be banned from being published, distributed, or even publicized, in the interests of personal freedom and safety. I find this game shameful on every possible level."

Predictably, Retting replied, "Up Yours Games rejects the notion that our video games encourage crime. 'Cyber Stalker' provides a safe, consequence-free way for people to explore their stalking fantasies. Anyway, the license agreement for the game clears us of any liability."

When asked to comment on the 'Cyber Stalker' game, notorious cyber stalker Thomas Churchwell said: "Cool!"

This story is a parody.

Churchwell Disappointed At Being Passed Over For Movie Role

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Hollyweird, CA- After having had a tatted hand in the grisly murder of the Breaking News parody blog last month, Thomas Churchwell is disappointed at being passed over for the role of Thomas Churchwell in "Breaking News Blog: The Movie."

According to sources, Churchwell is crushed that he wasn't even asked to play the role that he immortalized.

"Father O'Reilly is the producer of this movie, and he happens to be one of my many, many victims," he said. "I once tried to censor a homily of his, so I was sure he would consider me for the part in the Breaking News movie! Frankly, I'm hurt."

Father O'Reilly sent the fallen blogger a letter of apology, stating that he had been a reader of the Breaking News blog since it was first published. "Turning it into a G-rated movie has been difficult." He assured Churchwell, long rumored to be on the wait list for an exorcism, that he had nothing to do with choosing the parts, or he definitely would have been considered to play himself.

Churchwell wrote back with a tear-stained note that said, "That's showbiz."

This story is a parody.

"Big Hater" Crown Stolen

By Sam Eagle

A 'Big Hater' crown awarded to Thomas Churchwell by the censorship site calling itself "Ban, Baby, Ban" was dramatically stolen last night.

The 'Liar King,' blogger was asleep at his computer around midnight, when someone crept into his apartment and stole his crown.

"One minute it was on my head, and the next it was gone!" Churchwell cried.

Freedom Of Speech spokeswoman Judi Hamilton said, "It is disgraceful that someone like him who obviously stokes the fires of censorship had any right to win a crown in the first place."

Snatch Magazine is offering a reward to anyone having information about the crown's whereabouts. The lucky person will receive a can of harvest gold paint.

This story is a parody.

Churchwell Sought By Goolag Police

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

Thomas Churchwell, the controversial, heavy-chested cyber stalker, is being sought by members of the Goolag police, in connection with various offenses ranging from libel and threats, to falsely reporting a parody blog for TOS violations, to the less serious offense of performing a sexual act with a walnut.

The bombastic blogger, thought to be about 80, joined Goolag dot com two years ago, and 'stirred up a hornets nest' again this week by clashing swords with one of Goolag's most prolific censors, Herr Snuffy Kilborn.

The German-born censor was involved in the Breaking News parody blog murder, but after reading the blog, as it lay dying, he suddenly realized that he had been had - by Churchwell. And this, sources say, resulted in a frantic search to discover the true identity of the latter, with theories being wildly tossed around the Blogosphere.

Although the search has thus far proved fruitless, Truman Capote is the name on many lips, due to the lisping author having had the same initials as Churchwell. But literates have pointed out that Mr. Churchwell has no talent for writing. Said one, "After reading his posts, I wanted to flush them down the crapper."

Meanwhile, the search continues. Churchwell, who claims to be a magician, has been hiding out on his Wordpress hate site, obviously delighting in the mayhem he has caused.

If prosecuted, however, he faces being banned from both Goolag and Booger dot com, after undergoing a not insubstantial 'spanking punishment' from Herr Kilborn, which, doubtless, will keep him in blogging material for another decade.

This story is a parody.

Thomas Churchwell Shows Up At Google Totally Naked

By Sammy Eagle

New details are emerging about the murder of a parody blog and Thomas Churchwell's extreme efforts to see it slain.

The staff at Google rocked with laughter last week, as the opaque glass doors of the home office hissed open and in walked a naked elderly man.

The old man was no ordinary naked old man. It was hate blogger Thomas Churchwell - in the flesh, too. The first words out of his mouth were, "Where's that moron I sent the million emails to?"

Office intern Jason Nerdo, pictured above, pointed to a small office next to the water coooler. "Over there! His name is Lowman. By the way, big ass!"

"Who? Me or him?"

"Well, both I guess!"

The angry Churchwell jiggled the few yards and slammed the door behind him. The shocked, young executive stood and was so flustered, he offered his computer's mouse in lieu of a handshake.

Churchwell immediately unloaded at the stupified young man. "OK, Lowman. That Breaking News blog. I am the first to admit that I love reading about myself, but I hate women! I want them off the Internet! Doesn't anyone here share my hatred of women?"

"Uh... it's a parody blog. I didn't take it seriously," countered Lowman cautiously. "Look, people don't even take Google seriously."

The office intern cracked open the door. "You might try emailing Snuffy Kilborn," he told the fuming Churchwell. "He's one of our censors."

Lowman said, "By the way, big ass!"

This story is a parody.

Suspect Says He Was Under Orders from 'The Special One'

By Sam Eagle

A programmer at Booger dot com tried to kill the Breaking News parody blog and admitted that he was obeying orders from a crazed blogger known as 'The Special One,' according to a police statement issued today:

"At first the suspect wept and told us that this 'Special One' would deal with him severely if he said anything. We had to read Thomas Churchwell's blog to him over and over again to get him to crack. What he had to say was of great interest to us."

It emerged that the suspect, whose screen name is 'boofromboise', received more than a thousand emails from 'The Special One' last summer, insisting that he destroy the Breaking News parody blog. When the suspect politely asked him to stop writing him, he was taken via a web cam to a dim, underground site, then left alone with 'The Special One' who sat on a yellow throne.

"I never saw his face. All I could see were crusty tattooed fingers on the arm of the throne. He said "Hiya, dummy, I've been expecting you."

'The Special One' then proceeded to outline his plan for killing the Breaking News parody blog, which included "anonymous threats and lying his head off to Goolag dot com and to Booger dot com." He implied that if the suspect didn't follow his orders, there would be hell to pay.

"He said I'd be sorry. What did he mean, you ask? I don't know! I assumed he would do to me whatever he was doing to the author of that blog. Anyway, I didn't get the job done and now I'm in deep trouble." Unaware that the Breaking News blog was slain last November, his teeth began to chatter. "This 'Special One' said laws were for suckers. He whined a lot, and he had an immense hatred of ladies! He mentioned something about world blog domination - I can't remember all of what he said...I was paralyzed with fear."

Police say the suspect refused to reveal more and begged to be locked in a prison for his own safety.

When asked by reporters if he had invented the 'Special One' story, he shook his head and said earnestly: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn't exist."

This story is a parody.

Blogosphere Reeling Over Report

By Samuel Eagle

In a stunning statement today, a nineteen-year-old censor at Goolag dot com announced: "I have looked at all available evidence and have come to the conclusion that Thomas Churchwell is a victim of the free press. There is no evidence that he committed a dozen TOS violations, or even that he ever blogged. It was all invented by fee-males who are trying to ruin men!"

Snuffy Kilborn, a graduate of the Heil H Academy, went on to say, "A free press is a dangerous thing when it interferes with a guy doing what a guy wants to do. I have known since puberty that fee-male blogging communities are run by freedom loving revolutionaries who want to wipe out cyber bullies above all else!" Fingering a pustule on his chin, the young censor sputtered, "I recommend that all blogs be state controlled, and blogs written by fee-males be censored by Team Goolag!"

Mr. Churchwell, seen blogging hate in an Internet cafe, said happily, "Everything Snuffy said is correct. Women who blog should be brought under state control in all countries. It is the only way I'll ever get any peace!"

Proclaiming in recent essays that he is a psycho, Churchwell added, "Getting Snuff to clear me was a long process and the closest I ever came to having a real job. My one million emails to him worked!"

Herr Kilborn's mother issued a statement of her own: "Can Snuffy resign now, please?"

This story is a parody. Snuffy Kilborn is completely fictitious.

Blogger Named Magazine's 'Hunter Of The Year'

By Sam Eagle III

It's not all bad news for hate blogger Thomas Churchwell. Having been accused by human rights groups of repeated acts of cruelty against women, Women Are Dumb C**TS Magazine has named him Hunter of the Year.

"We just had to give him the award," said Bick Pummel, editor of Women Are Dumb C**TS Magazine. "Thomas has distinguished himself not only as a cyber bully and liar, but as a very experienced hunter."

Pummel explained that although blogs are not designed as lethal weapons, the 'hate blog' has nevertheless proven itself as an instrument of destruction, and therefore is technically considered a missile. Churchwell, he stated, has published hate for years and was "hungry like a wolf," when he wrote false complaints to Google, resulting in the murder of an innocent parody blog.

"We had to classify Churchwell under the terror category for obvious reasons," said Pummel. "But if this catches on with other haters, we may just have to open a whole new category for hunting women."

This story is a parody.

Angelina Jolie Adopts Thomas Churchwell

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

UN Very Special Envoy, Hollywood Star, and Compulsive Adopter Angelina Jolie is en route to New York to adopt Thomas Churchwell, star of countless hate blogs.

Jolie, interviewed in war-ravaged Darfur, said, "I need to go where I am truly needed. Thomas has suffered a crushing blow - the realization that no matter how well he acts the role of respectability now, his writings of indescribable hate and cruelty will be circling the web forever."

Actor Brad Pitt, who accompanied Jolie to Darfur, piped up, "I just hope our newest son doesn't grab an Oscar nod for best actor this year. Talk about competition!"

Serene Angelina, whose name means "little angel," said, "These Darfurians are fine now, at least the ones I have adopted. My work here is done."

The sun-kissed Pitts drove away, as the clouds parted and angel matter descended amid blinding light and overly dramatic trumpets.

Jolie is expected in New York within hours. Sources say Churchwell is excited about his adoption.

Back in Darfur, the angel matter was very good with mustard. "Tastes like potato chips," said a tribal elder through a spokesperson.

This story is a parody.

Blogosphere Attacked By Thousands of Satirists

By Sam Eagle III

The Blogosphere is teaming today with thousands of satirists waving signs that read, "Freedom of Speech Is Guaranteed Under The First Amendment!"

A spokesman for the cyber hate group Ban, Baby, Ban said: "There is now a war on satire, and we intend to win it. OK, we'll lose it, but at least we can say that we're winning it.'

Americans almost invented satire in modern times, with such geniuses as Mark Twain, and now the Blogosphere is teeming with writers determined to expose hate bloggers, and other abuses.

Cyber haters are angry. One hater, pausing for a moment after he accidentally deleted his own blog, said, "Satire is an abomination!"

There will be a Jerry Springer special later this week, when the haters are expected to shout obscenities and wave censorship signs on TV.

This story is a parody.

Innocent Parody Blog Viciously Attacked

By Sam Eagle

An innocent, defenseless parody blog has been viciously attacked and reportedly is near death.

The Breaking News blog, a law-abiding parody and satire blog, was spotted curled up and gasping for air in a park.

"I saw this object in the corner of the park," said the park supervisor, "and it was gasping. I could hear sobs. I couldn't see anything and was about to walk away when, out the corner of my eye, I noticed a little computer screen. It had eyes and a mouth and all, and it was crying."

The harrowing ordeal is thought to have occurred two weeks ago. A forensic expert on the scene told the Online Report, "The blog had all the characteristics of having been viciously libeled and beaten up. Early indications show that it was the work of a cyber bully."

Sources say that the prime suspect in the attack is blogger Thomas Churchwell, who publicly expressed a keen liking for the Breaking News blog, but who has written much hate about it.

The blog was ashen, but was brave enough to give us a comment.

"All I want to do is to help make blogging a safe experience for women," said the blog. "The general climate on the Web is awful to women. There's too much bullying and libel and hate sanctioned by blogging hosts like Google who look the other way. It's little wonder there are monsters who would do this."

The blog, only 8 months old, has a very good point.

This story is a parody.