Cat Alleged To Be Channeling Thomas Churchwell

By Sam 'Catnip' Eagle

Brememhoff, Germany- A cat is believed to be channeling the mind of notorious cyber bully Thomas Churchwell. Suspicions began when the cat randomly attacked bloggers in an Internet cafe.

"Coming from a cat, it seemed as if everything was fine, but after a while it got worse" said the cafe manager.

Suspicions grew when the cat somehow managed to scratch death threats on a table.

"At that point it was a bit scary, but very interesting," said the manager, who wished to remain nameless. "I started doing some experiments to see what was going on in the cat's mind."

When the cat was shown blogs written by women, it jumped at the computer monitor and ripped it apart, yet was very obedient when shown pictures of felons.

"At that point I decided to bring in a cat mind reader," said the cafe manager.

He brought in OJ Simpson.

"It was my pleasure," said Simpson. "Hopefully, this will cleanse my reputation! I didn't mean for that book I wrote about Nicole's murder to be a confession! I just happened to read the mind of the real killer!"

Simpson found out that the cat was channeling the mind of none other than Thomas Churchwell.

"Finding it out was amazing" Simpson recalled. "Mind blowing!"

Sources say Churchwell and the cat, named Hess, are scheduled to tour the US in the next couple of weeks.

This story is a parody.

Cyber Bully Thomas Churchwell Puts His Prized Keyboard Up For Auction

By Sam Eagle III

The keyboard Thomas "fingers" Churchwell used this year to type defamation about dozens of women has been put up for auction on the Internet site Ebay, it was revealed today.

Nauseous Ebay bidders were not exactly clamoring to place bids on this unusual item. The bidding was at three dollars this afternoon.

But sources say the bidding between two convicts at Leavenworth and the rap artist Down In The Dirty may become very fierce, before bidding closes.

Down In The Dirty said, "Only one keyboard? I'd go through twenty a day, if it was me. I could never resist anything that is sticky."

Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Thomas would just cuddle that keyboard at night, but he needed the cash and being a cyber bully ain't that cheap these days."

This story is a parody.

Churchwell Denies Affair With Ghost

By Sam Eagle

Thomas Churchwell, taking a short break from hate blogging, has denied rumors that he had an affair with Casper the Ghost. "I adamantly deny that I have ever had anything to do with Casper in anything other than a paranormal experience!" Churchwell said.

According to Churchwell, "The other day I was using the bathroom in a gas station, where a woman was ranting about my blog. Being in the back, I couldn't hear very well. I thought she was finished, when she said, "Has anyone here ever seen a ghost, touched a ghost, or had sex with a ghost?" I opened the bathroom door and raised my hand. See, I thought she said goat."

Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Sometimes Thomas is hard of hearing, but he has never had any sort of physical relationship with Casper the Ghost; in Queens that is considered taboo."

This story is a parody filed under the truth is stranger than fiction department.

Thomas Churchwell Moving To Africa

By The Eagles

Washington announced today that the controversial singer Michael Jackson has been appointed Secretary of State in President-elect Barack Obama's cabinet.

Press correspondents thought it was a typo error; however, White House officials confirmed that the 'King of Pop' will be taking up the most senior position in power next to the Chief Executive.

Most senior Washington elites were flabbergasted at the announcement.

Obama's new chief of staff, who wished to be nameless, said Jackson will be an asset to the upper echelons of government power. "CHANGE is what this administration is about," he reminded reporters. "Besides, Michael's moonwalking dance will astound any world leader."

Rumors have been swirling about what role infamous blogger Thomas Tarquin Churchwell will play in the senior diplomatic service. A government official said Churchwell has been appointed a mediator in the battle between the Tootseys and Hutoos in the African Congo.

"I've been packing all day," Churchwell told The Online Report.

This story is a parody.

Thomas Churchwell To Paint The White House

By Samuel Eagle

Washington, DC - Barack Obama, the first half-black man to be elected President of the United States, already has made the first momentous decision of his Presidency by ordering 28 trillion cans of black paint to redecorate the White House.

The White House has been painted white since 1792, but Mr. Obama's wife, Michelle, feels that to mark this important moment in history, change is needed, so the House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will truly become black.

Painting work has already begun. According to sources, one of the painters is none other than ubiquitous hate blogger Thomas Tarquin Churchwell.

A special candlelight ceremony, commemorating the official opening of the Black House, is to be held on December 24th. The President and Vice President Joe Biden, backed by a choir of Democrats, will sing, "I'm Dreaming Of A Black Christmas."

Hallelujah!

This story is a parody.