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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Cyber Bully Thomas Churchwell Puts His Prized Keyboard Up For Auction

By Sam Eagle III

The keyboard Thomas "fingers" Churchwell used this year to type defamation about dozens of women has been put up for auction on the Internet site Ebay, it was revealed today.

Nauseous Ebay bidders were not exactly clamoring to place bids on this unusual item. The bidding was at three dollars this afternoon.

But sources say the bidding between two convicts at Leavenworth and the rap artist Down In The Dirty may become very fierce, before bidding closes.

Down In The Dirty said, "Only one keyboard? I'd go through twenty a day, if it was me. I could never resist anything that is sticky."

Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Thomas would just cuddle that keyboard at night, but he needed the cash and being a cyber bully ain't that cheap these days."

This story is a parody.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Churchwell Denies Affair With Ghost

By Sam Eagle

Thomas Churchwell, taking a short break from hate blogging, has denied rumors that he had an affair with Casper the Ghost. "I adamantly deny that I have ever had anything to do with Casper in anything other than a paranormal experience!" Churchwell said.

According to Churchwell, "The other day I was using the bathroom in a gas station, where a woman was ranting about my blog. Being in the back, I couldn't hear very well. I thought she was finished, when she said, "Has anyone here ever seen a ghost, touched a ghost, or had sex with a ghost?" I opened the bathroom door and raised my hand. See, I thought she said goat."

Churchwell's spokesperson, Lotta Poope, said, "Sometimes Thomas is hard of hearing, but he has never had any sort of physical relationship with Casper the Ghost; in Queens that is considered taboo."

This story is a parody filed under the truth is stranger than fiction department.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Thomas Churchwell Moving To Africa

By The Eagles

Washington announced today that the controversial singer Michael Jackson has been appointed Secretary of State in President-elect Barack Obama's cabinet.

Press correspondents thought it was a typo error; however, White House officials confirmed that the 'King of Pop' will be taking up the most senior position in power next to the Chief Executive.

Most senior Washington elites were flabbergasted at the announcement.

Obama's new chief of staff, who wished to be nameless, said Jackson will be an asset to the upper echelons of government power. "CHANGE is what this administration is about," he reminded reporters. "Besides, Michael's moonwalking dance will astound any world leader."

Rumors have been swirling about what role infamous blogger Thomas Tarquin Churchwell will play in the senior diplomatic service. A government official said Churchwell has been appointed a mediator in the battle between the Tootseys and Hutoos in the African Congo.

"I've been packing all day," Churchwell told The Online Report.

This story is a parody.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Thomas Churchwell To Paint The White House

By Samuel Eagle

Washington, DC - Barack Obama, the first half-black man to be elected President of the United States, already has made the first momentous decision of his Presidency by ordering 28 trillion cans of black paint to redecorate the White House.

The White House has been painted white since 1792, but Mr. Obama's wife, Michelle, feels that to mark this important moment in history, change is needed, so the House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will truly become black.

Painting work has already begun. According to sources, one of the painters is none other than ubiquitous hate blogger Thomas Tarquin Churchwell.

A special candlelight ceremony, commemorating the official opening of the Black House, is to be held on December 24th. The President and Vice President Joe Biden, backed by a choir of Democrats, will sing, "I'm Dreaming Of A Black Christmas."

Hallelujah!

This story is a parody.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Comedian To Write "Commencement Day" Address

By Sammy Eagle

After 27 false starts, 28 failed drafts and "more than a bucketful of vomit resulting from Susan Newton's recent meltdown" Thomas Tarquin Churchwell finally threw up his hands, phoned Jay Leno and asked the late night comedian if HE could write his Blog Commencement Day Address.

Sources say that Leno and his team of writers accepted the challenge and are now noses to the grindstone perfecting Thomas Tarquin Churchwell's Blog Commencement Day Address, to be delivered by Leno himself on the Breaking News parody blog.

Initial drafts written by Churchwell included promises to stop blogging IMMEDIATELY while simultaneously vowing to blog FOREVER.

"I got confused. I just could NOT get the whole commencement thing to gel," Churchwell told reporters. "After the 28th draft, I gave up! That's when I remembered Jay Leno's team used to write goodbye speeches, so I had my new custodian give Jay a ring."

Leno, speaking with reporters, said, "This one's going to be a total riot, folks. I suggest you don't miss TIVO'ing it."

Bloggers are expressing JOY, but Churchwell says he's open to taking a few jabs, as long as Mr. Leno tries to convince everyone that Churchwell is a misunderstood artist never meaning any harm.

All of Blogland is invited to attend.

Editor's note: The Breaking News blog was slain, before commencement ceremonies could take place.

Mr. Churchwell does not know Jay Leno.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Thomas Tarquin Churchwell Disappears

By Sam Eagle


D-List magician Thomas Churchwell has performed the most astonishing magic trick of his life: he made himself disappear.

The ubiquitous hate blogger vanished in Queens during a Spam dinner party two nights ago and has not been seen since. Forensic magicians and the cast of CSI Rockaway Beach believe Churchwell de-materialized in Queens and re-materialized in a padded cell at Bellevue Hospital, outside the jurisdiction of the law.

Sources say Churchwell has been angry since being ordered to vacate his government-subsidized apartment in May. An Order To Vacate was handed down by the Queens County Housing Court, but has not been enforced.

A wannabe magic headliner, Churchwell has been seeking out attractive young women with blogs, inviting them to be his friend, and repaying them with libel. This nasty little trick requires no magic, just hate and a full-blown psychosis.

During his tricky career, Thomas Churchwell made many things, such as the wallets of unsuspecting patrons in bars, disappear before their very eyes. And now, with his sanity and freedom in jeopardy, he has performed the ultimate disappearing magic trick. He made himself disappear.


This story is a parody. Mr. Churchwell has not disappeared.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Thomas Churchwell, 75, To Wed 21-year-old Ex-Stripper

By F Scott Eagle



In another example of old man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Thomas "Boom Boom" Churchwell, of Queens, New York is set to wed 21-year-old Britney Implantz, of Queens, next month. It's a stunning reversal for Churchwell, who has been holed up in the one-room apartment he refused to vacate after being served with eviction papers last May.

Mr Churchwell is a former D-List magician and Ms Implantz is a former stripper.

"It's a perfect match," Churchwell wheezed at reporters. "I'm a dirty old man and she's a hot young moron!"

The couple has scheduled a 5-day honeymoon in Hawaii and say they plan on having lots of scorching sex in a volcano. When the 75-year-old Churchwell was asked about the age difference, the danger of having sex in a volcano, and the risk of death on the honeymoon, he shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Thomas Churchwell Hires New Publicist

By Sam Eagle




High powered Queens, New York publicist, Lotta Poope, announced today that she is the new spokesperson for Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, and Thomas "Boom Boom" Crimewell.

Churchwell recently fired his long time publicist, Satan, for not getting him enough publicity.

Poope said, "I am pleased to represent Boom Boom and speak with forked tongue. We have lots of plans for him, including a horror movie deal, appearances on America's Most Wanted and possibly a reality show. And we plan to follow his eviction as it evolves. You'll be seeing and hearing a lot more about that. He's out!"

In addition to Churchwell, the Poope PR firm also represents Hollywood starlets and a long list of cyber criminals. The PR firm's motto is, "You sin, we spin".

Churchwell could not be reached for comment, as he is currently hiding out in his room. Sources say that he will be out, when his eviction from SUS is enforced in 2052.

This story is parody.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Churchwell Released From Prison

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

May 18, 2018. A New York judge has ordered the release of Thomas Tarquin Churchwell from prison. Churchwell, pictured at left, was serving a life sentence after he was convicted of 686,000 counts of libel against men, women and children almost 10 years ago.

The ruling has sparked outrage from bloggers. The surviving family members of those libeled by Churchwell were disgusted upon hearing the news.

His Honor Judge Apaul Cruckshank fought off criticism and defended his decision. "If you don't like what I said, then you can just write letters to Google."

And thousands will be writing if Churchwell goes on another spree. The Judge, however, did reveal a condition of Churchwell's release to serve as a checks-and-balances approach to curb his criminal tendencies.

Churchwell is to be chained to mobster Tony Soprano, who himself was given the gift of unsupervised visits away from a prison that he has called home for the past decade. In 2007 Soprano was convicted of racketeering. A fan-based jury found him not guilty of orchestrating dozens of heinous murders.

"The two will keep a good eye on each other," said Judge Cruckshank. "They promise to be good."

So, at 5AM this morning the two court-ordered conjoined twins were dropped off at an undisclosed location near Queens with some basic supplies as directed by the Judge.

Churchwell was given a cordless PC mouse for self-protection. Soprano was given a gun and a large bag of cement.

Judge Cruckshank released himself to his chambers where he poured a stiff drink and turned on the evening news.

This story is obviously a parody.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Threats Against Female Blogger Spark Debate About Misogyny Online

By All For a Hate-Free Internet

Turning from the lighthearted to the serious, Ms. Scarlett, a prominent blogger, says she suddenly canceled a talk she was supposed to give about photography because of specific, sexually graphic threats posted by blogger, Tarquin Churchwell. Her remarks have sparked a debate online about whether women are targets of online hate and threats simply because of their gender.

"Churchwell has attacked me for more than a year. He often says on his blog that it's the other way around, but this is a lie. He recently threatened to come to my town and stop me," Scarlett said.

Her blog is hardly controversial – she has spent much of the past year defending her reputation against Mr. Churchwell's libel. She knows that he has attacked other women online.

"It's this culture of attacking women that has got to stop. I really don’t care if you come after me. I take those attacks in stride," says a long time male blogger. "But, whenever I post a video of a female there invariably are snide remarks about body parts and other things that wouldn’t happen if the interviewee were a man. It makes me realize just how acerbic the Internet is toward women."

Blogger Nan Delano agrees. "These are all vicious attacks on her - as a woman. Yes, anyone who has a point of view and expresses it in print will get disagreements. I've had them here. But death and sexual threats? These are beyond the pale. Writing that she is a thief and pornographer is appalling. "

Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh concurs that misogyny grows wild on the Web, particularly among society's misfits. "Attitudes toward women have improved dramatically just in my lifetime, but the world still has too many misogynists, and the Web has given them a microphone that lets them turn up the volume on their quavering selves, their self-righteous fury, their self-loathing expressed as hatred of women," she said.

In a response to Scarlett's comments, Mr. Churchwell says, "I hate her," adding, "No one believes me, when I write that she's a child porno writer" on his blogs. "It's just an outlet for my hate and it gives me something to do. I'm sure I'll be explaining for years to come why I am obsessed with stealing and child pornography!"

The debate over Churchwell's online misogyny toward Scarlett have made her one of the most championed bloggers. Many of her fellow bloggers have come to her defense, questioning the limits of free speech in the blogosphere. "What Scarlett is putting up with is unacceptable, and I'm frankly sickened at what she has had to go through. It is totally unacceptable to attack a woman sexually and to make threats. Period," David Giffen blogs.

Many say the incidents raise questions about what should be tolerated online. "It certainly raises questions about sexual equality on the web - as Scarlett correctly points out if she were a man, the threats would not have been sexual in nature. But it is wrong that society's losers can do this to someone," says another blogger.

Some are calling for a bloggers bill of rights to encourage good conduct. But whether even that would work remains to be seen. "People like Thomas Churchwell feel the law doesn't apply to them," says Mr. Giffen.

Many bloggers hope that Mr. Churchwell's impending eviction from the quasi-mental facility where he has lived for a number of years, will signal the end of his attacks on women online.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Churchwell Posts Laced With Poison

By Sam Eagle



Child pornography obsessor, Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, has posted sexual slurs against another blogger, The Online Report learned today.

A source, who asked not to be identified, said Churchwell has mental problems. "He wants to drag other bloggers into his sick games."

According to published reports, Mr. Churchwell lives in a group home for the mentally ill. He has been unemployed for the past ten years.

One ongoing target is Ms. Scarlett, who Churchwell describes as a blogging rival. Records dating back to 2006 chronicle Mr. Churchwell stalking the blogger, trying to drive her off the Internet with threats, and publishing degrading libel about her. The Online Report uncovered numerous posts in which Churchwell called the blogger a "child porno writer." Today, he reportedly called her a "rejected online prostitute" and "old pornographic sister."

His rambling rants are lies, friends say. "Not only is Scarlett respected in the community, she is a very strong person with a definite moral compass. People should know that she's a young godmother, loyal friend, hard worker and member of the church."

A long time blogger summed it up this way, "Churchwell is sick. He won't leave her alone."

Insiders agree Churchwell is delusional and appears to be on a downward spiral. Said one, "Thomas hates women."

There was no word yet whether Mr. Churchwell will resume therapy.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The Name Game

By Sam Eagle

World famous hate blogger, Tarquin Thomas Churchwell, also known to his legion of cyber victims as Thomas Churchwell, The Amazing Tarquin, Photoartist 6, Tommy Boy, etc, announced today that he is dropping all of his 48 screen names.

"He wants to ditch 'em and start fresh," said a source in the Churchwell camp, who wore a stocking over his face for this interview.

The teaser announcement came as reports surfaced of Churchwell publishing dozens of libel rants in which he accused a blogger of writing pornography. Noting that his recent writings have contained more vitriol than usual, sources speculate Churchwell wanted to go out with a bang before shedding his tarnished names.

When asked if he had chosen a new screen alias, Churchwell reportedly said, "You'll have to ask my ex-girlfriend Miss Nipples about that."

This story is a parody. Mr. Churchwell has only 42 names.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Tarquin Churchwell to Release The Sexergate Papers

By Sam Eagle

Chronic phone sex obsessor, Thomas Tarquin Churchwell, announced today that he will release the "Sexergate Papers."

Churchwell's publicist, wearing an orange prison jumpsuit, agreed to be interviewed on the condition that his identity not be revealed. "You can call me Deepest Throat," he croaked.

Deepest Throat confirmed that Churchwell is set to release the Sexergate Papers. "Tarquin is pounding on his computer day and night," he told The Online Report.

Sources close to the investigation say the first of the Sexergate transcripts will be published online this week.

Reaction in Blog Land has been wildly mixed, ranging from cheers of excitement to moaning and yawns.

Mr. Churchwell does not have a publicist who wears an orange prison jumpsuit.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Tarquin Churchwell Slams Another Blogger

by Sam Eagle

As if cyberspace wasn't creepy enough, ubiquitous blogger Tarquin Churchwell, has been posting lies about another blogger's age. 

The bewildered target of Mr. Churchwell's rants is Ms. Scarlett, who Churchwell has been calling a "wrinkled old hag" and "life sucking sap"

Scarlett released a statement through her spokesperson, saying: "What I should be doing is celebrating the holiday season with the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with Tarquin's malicious lies. I know how young I am, and so do my friends and family. And like all women my age, I love being thirty-something."

When asked to comment on his latest brush with libel, the feeble Churchwell (reports have listed his age as anywhere between 60 and 89) cried, "I hate women!"