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Saturday, July 12, 2008

Thomas Churchwell Hires New Publicist

By Sam Eagle




High powered Queens, New York publicist, Lotta Poope, announced today that she is the new spokesperson for Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, and Thomas "Boom Boom" Crimewell.

Churchwell recently fired his long time publicist, Satan, for not getting him enough publicity.

Poope said, "I am pleased to represent Boom Boom and speak with forked tongue. We have lots of plans for him, including a horror movie deal, appearances on America's Most Wanted and possibly a reality show. And we plan to follow his eviction as it evolves. You'll be seeing and hearing a lot more about that. He's out!"

In addition to Churchwell, the Poope PR firm also represents Hollywood starlets and a long list of cyber criminals. The PR firm's motto is, "You sin, we spin".

Churchwell could not be reached for comment, as he is currently hiding out in his room. Sources say that he will be out, when his eviction from SUS is enforced in 2052.

This story is parody.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Churchwell Released From Prison

By Sam Eagle, Jr.

May 18, 2018. A New York judge has ordered the release of Thomas Tarquin Churchwell from prison. Churchwell, pictured at left, was serving a life sentence after he was convicted of 686,000 counts of libel against men, women and children almost 10 years ago.

The ruling has sparked outrage from bloggers. The surviving family members of those libeled by Churchwell were disgusted upon hearing the news.

His Honor Judge Apaul Cruckshank fought off criticism and defended his decision. "If you don't like what I said, then you can just write letters to Google."

And thousands will be writing if Churchwell goes on another spree. The Judge, however, did reveal a condition of Churchwell's release to serve as a checks-and-balances approach to curb his criminal tendencies.

Churchwell is to be chained to mobster Tony Soprano, who himself was given the gift of unsupervised visits away from a prison that he has called home for the past decade. In 2007 Soprano was convicted of racketeering. A fan-based jury found him not guilty of orchestrating dozens of heinous murders.

"The two will keep a good eye on each other," said Judge Cruckshank. "They promise to be good."

So, at 5AM this morning the two court-ordered conjoined twins were dropped off at an undisclosed location near Queens with some basic supplies as directed by the Judge.

Churchwell was given a cordless PC mouse for self-protection. Soprano was given a gun and a large bag of cement.

Judge Cruckshank released himself to his chambers where he poured a stiff drink and turned on the evening news.

This story is obviously a parody.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Threats Against Female Blogger Spark Debate About Misogyny Online

By All For a Hate-Free Internet

Turning from the lighthearted to the serious, Ms. Scarlett, a prominent blogger, says she suddenly canceled a talk she was supposed to give about photography because of specific, sexually graphic threats posted by blogger, Tarquin Churchwell. Her remarks have sparked a debate online about whether women are targets of online hate and threats simply because of their gender.

"Churchwell has attacked me for more than a year. He often says on his blog that it's the other way around, but this is a lie. He recently threatened to come to my town and stop me," Scarlett said.

Her blog is hardly controversial – she has spent much of the past year defending her reputation against Mr. Churchwell's libel. She knows that he has attacked other women online.

"It's this culture of attacking women that has got to stop. I really don’t care if you come after me. I take those attacks in stride," says a long time male blogger. "But, whenever I post a video of a female there invariably are snide remarks about body parts and other things that wouldn’t happen if the interviewee were a man. It makes me realize just how acerbic the Internet is toward women."

Blogger Nan Delano agrees. "These are all vicious attacks on her - as a woman. Yes, anyone who has a point of view and expresses it in print will get disagreements. I've had them here. But death and sexual threats? These are beyond the pale. Writing that she is a thief and pornographer is appalling. "

Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh concurs that misogyny grows wild on the Web, particularly among society's misfits. "Attitudes toward women have improved dramatically just in my lifetime, but the world still has too many misogynists, and the Web has given them a microphone that lets them turn up the volume on their quavering selves, their self-righteous fury, their self-loathing expressed as hatred of women," she said.

In a response to Scarlett's comments, Mr. Churchwell says, "I hate her," adding, "No one believes me, when I write that she's a child porno writer" on his blogs. "It's just an outlet for my hate and it gives me something to do. I'm sure I'll be explaining for years to come why I am obsessed with stealing and child pornography!"

The debate over Churchwell's online misogyny toward Scarlett have made her one of the most championed bloggers. Many of her fellow bloggers have come to her defense, questioning the limits of free speech in the blogosphere. "What Scarlett is putting up with is unacceptable, and I'm frankly sickened at what she has had to go through. It is totally unacceptable to attack a woman sexually and to make threats. Period," David Giffen blogs.

Many say the incidents raise questions about what should be tolerated online. "It certainly raises questions about sexual equality on the web - as Scarlett correctly points out if she were a man, the threats would not have been sexual in nature. But it is wrong that society's losers can do this to someone," says another blogger.

Some are calling for a bloggers bill of rights to encourage good conduct. But whether even that would work remains to be seen. "People like Thomas Churchwell feel the law doesn't apply to them," says Mr. Giffen.

Many bloggers hope that Mr. Churchwell's impending eviction from the quasi-mental facility where he has lived for a number of years, will signal the end of his attacks on women online.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Churchwell Posts Laced With Poison

By Sam Eagle



Child pornography obsessor, Thomas Churchwell, AKA Tarquin Churchwell, has posted sexual slurs against another blogger, The Online Report learned today.

A source, who asked not to be identified, said Churchwell has mental problems. "He wants to drag other bloggers into his sick games."

According to published reports, Mr. Churchwell lives in a group home for the mentally ill. He has been unemployed for the past ten years.

One ongoing target is Ms. Scarlett, who Churchwell describes as a blogging rival. Records dating back to 2006 chronicle Mr. Churchwell stalking the blogger, trying to drive her off the Internet with threats, and publishing degrading libel about her. The Online Report uncovered numerous posts in which Churchwell called the blogger a "child porno writer." Today, he reportedly called her a "rejected online prostitute" and "old pornographic sister."

His rambling rants are lies, friends say. "Not only is Scarlett respected in the community, she is a very strong person with a definite moral compass. People should know that she's a young godmother, loyal friend, hard worker and member of the church."

A long time blogger summed it up this way, "Churchwell is sick. He won't leave her alone."

Insiders agree Churchwell is delusional and appears to be on a downward spiral. Said one, "Thomas hates women."

There was no word yet whether Mr. Churchwell will resume therapy.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The Name Game

By Sam Eagle

World famous hate blogger, Tarquin Thomas Churchwell, also known to his legion of cyber victims as Thomas Churchwell, The Amazing Tarquin, Photoartist 6, Tommy Boy, etc, announced today that he is dropping all of his 48 screen names.

"He wants to ditch 'em and start fresh," said a source in the Churchwell camp, who wore a stocking over his face for this interview.

The teaser announcement came as reports surfaced of Churchwell publishing dozens of libel rants in which he accused a blogger of writing pornography. Noting that his recent writings have contained more vitriol than usual, sources speculate Churchwell wanted to go out with a bang before shedding his tarnished names.

When asked if he had chosen a new screen alias, Churchwell reportedly said, "You'll have to ask my ex-girlfriend Miss Nipples about that."

This story is a parody. Mr. Churchwell has only 42 names.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Tarquin Churchwell to Release The Sexergate Papers

By Sam Eagle

Chronic phone sex obsessor, Thomas Tarquin Churchwell, announced today that he will release the "Sexergate Papers."

Churchwell's publicist, wearing an orange prison jumpsuit, agreed to be interviewed on the condition that his identity not be revealed. "You can call me Deepest Throat," he croaked.

Deepest Throat confirmed that Churchwell is set to release the Sexergate Papers. "Tarquin is pounding on his computer day and night," he told The Online Report.

Sources close to the investigation say the first of the Sexergate transcripts will be published online this week.

Reaction in Blog Land has been wildly mixed, ranging from cheers of excitement to moaning and yawns.

Mr. Churchwell does not have a publicist who wears an orange prison jumpsuit.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Tarquin Churchwell Slams Another Blogger

by Sam Eagle

As if cyberspace wasn't creepy enough, ubiquitous blogger Tarquin Churchwell, has been posting lies about another blogger's age. 

The bewildered target of Mr. Churchwell's rants is Ms. Scarlett, who Churchwell has been calling a "wrinkled old hag" and "life sucking sap"

Scarlett released a statement through her spokesperson, saying: "What I should be doing is celebrating the holiday season with the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with Tarquin's malicious lies. I know how young I am, and so do my friends and family. And like all women my age, I love being thirty-something."

When asked to comment on his latest brush with libel, the feeble Churchwell (reports have listed his age as anywhere between 60 and 89) cried, "I hate women!"